Monday, August 1, 2011

Your Existence

    MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR. B. D. SEPTIVE - The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

      Mounds of statistics from universities like Pappyville College, Mahoney State, and the University of Plaid show that 40% of you are unhappy, 38% of you are somewhat unhappy, 9% of you feel like you could be happy under the right circumstances and the rest of you spend half of each day lying down on the railroad tracks.  You're convinced nobody likes you and nobody ever will.  You have called yourself a victim, a slag heap, and a wretched waste of protoplasm.    

     You won't even play Solitaire with yourself.  You're sick and tired of hearing yourself spout the same old complaints about how your boss is a jerk, your spouse is a creep, and your dog gets more Valentine cards than you do.  Sometimes I think you're just looking for an excuse to be unhappy.  You can always blame your unhappiness on something else like your income, your neighbor's llama, or that huge pile of whatever you just sat in. 

     The easiest thing to do is nothing.  That's what you've been doing.  Doing nothing has not helped and you're ready to try something else.  Welcome to something else.  My soul searching mind exercises will make you talk to yourself in ways you never have before; ways much different from that time you stood on the railing of the suspension bridge for half an hour.  If Officer Spasmodic hadn't arrived when he did you might have been flounder food.  But that didn't happen.  You're here, you're alive and you've discovered this great blog.  That puts you in a very good place.

     Oh, sure, there are lots of people out there who are in a very good place besides you.  Look out the window.  There must be thousands of people who are in a better place than you, maybe millions. But you don't see them bragging about it, do you?  You know why not?  Because you don't know any of them and they've never spoken to you.  If you knew all those people walking past the window you would see that about half of them are as bad as you or worse.

     But what about the others; the ones who don't look at the mirror and start crying?  Why don't you just ask one of them their secret to happiness?  By asking their secret you could make a new friend, a coffee mate, or just arouse suspicion.  After all, what kind of nut case goes up to people he doesn't know and asks such questions?  So when you walk over to her, stand up straight and take your hands out of your pockets.  Wave, so she will see you don't have any weapons, and, whatever you do, don't violate your parole.  The person you ask might look at you funny, call a cop, or just run away.  Therein lies your first lesson. And just exactly what did you learn?  Only you know the answer.         

NEXT TIME: Doctor Septive's questionnaire to help you better understand yourself.

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