Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Let's Give Thanks

       During the Thanksgiving holiday let's all get down on our knees and give thanks that we only have to see our relatives at one Thanksgiving dinner a year. I feel this is a good time for a little self-evaluation so I'll start with me.  .

                There I will sit, squeezed into a tiny chair at the little table, an exile among my cousins and other poster children for dysfunction.  Along with my fellow outcasts, I will watch with dismay as the twins, Wanda and Sookie, stuff peas up their noses.  Never mind they learned the trick from me.  And never mind they are forty-five and have done a lot more unconventional things with legumes.  I have the photos to prove it but, that’s not the point. 
                 From the moment I walk in, Aunt Priscilla and Uncle Puget will treat me like the same little boy who used to fashion balloon animals from his umbilical cord.  The fact that my mother (their sister) saved the cord gives you a taste of what I’ve been up against all these years.  My aunt and uncle have no clue as to what is normal but they’re pretty sure I’m not it.  That’s rich coming from those two seeing as how my mom is sister to both of them.
                 I have decided it is high time I stood up to Aunt Priscilla and told her I expect to be treated like an adult.  I will make it known that I am tired of having to eat with a plastic spork and being trusted with nothing sharper than a banana.  I will be assertive and she will respect me for acting like a man.  Later, I will be sure to ask nicely when I need her to cut up my turkey meat.
                 As for Uncle Puget, I may never win him over.  How can I expect a 73-year-old with a plate in his head to understand what a kind and sensitive person I am?  He thinks kindness is when he finishes in the bathroom without using all the toilet paper.  Engaging in conversation with him is a constant frustration, mostly because he keeps his hearing aid turned off.  Besides, the only issue he will talk about is how French women have ruined the world with their hairy, smelly armpits. 
            But that’s who Uncle Puget is and he’s proud of it.  So I have made a decision to be proud of what I am and who I am.  From now on I will be myself and not worry about it. Unfortunately, I am forever linked to this group of derailed lunatics who think it's acceptable to drink straight from the gravy boat.



Thursday, November 15, 2012

Being What You Want Him to Be

            It is time to learn how to find someone worthy of your love.  What do you want that person to be?  I don’t mean do you want him to be a cowboy, a fireman, or an inflatable doll.  I mean what kind of person.  What traits are you looking for in a guy?  When people are asked that question they usually answer that sense of humor is more important than looks.  This proves that people, at their core, are liars.  When the average woman has a choice of all the men in her neighborhood, she rarely chooses the guy in the exploding hat. 
.           What kind of a man do you want?  Only you can answer that question.  Remember, there is no wrong answer.  If you want an affectionate man who is honest and sober, that’s just as valid as wanting a man whose hobby is watching TV when it’s not turned on.  It’s valid because that’s what you want and only you know the you that is really you.  So, only you can decide what you want.  Give the matter careful consideration because the qualities you seek are the qualities for which you should strive.
            If you want your man to be patient, you should work on being more patient yourself.  If you would like him to be a good conversationalist that is something you should be.  If you want him to wear women’s underwear, you should wear women’s underwear.  If you want him to be black, be black yourself.  If you’re looking for a socially retarded, naked, weapons salesman who is incarcerated because he was found lying in an alley with more drugs in his system than Elvis on a bad hair day, you know what to do.  It’s all so easy.  And it’s all up to you.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Loving Yourself

            Most of us love to make love.  If you love to make love, you should make love to yourself.  Don’t get confused.  I’m not talking about making love by yourself.  That’s a whole different box of tissues.  I mean make yourself feel like a royal princess.  Draw a nice, hot bath.  Then put down your drawing pad and turn on the water.  Take off your clothes and feel the relaxation as it washes over you, engulfing you with all its comfort, all its pleasures.  Feel the steam rising up through your nostrils and your privates.  Now, stop standing over the tea kettle and get in the tub.
            If it’s a tub with feet give yourself and your bathtub a pedicure.  Paint your toenails with a nice, vibrant neon color, perhaps Azure, Orchid, or Rutabaga.  Doesn’t it feel sensual to have the same color toenails as your tub?  You’re darn tootin’ it does.  Of course you’ll have to be very careful not to get the nail polish in the water, so stick your feet up until they hang outside the tub at a 45 degree angle.  Comfy?  Good.  Perhaps you could have a candlelit dinner delivered to your bathroom.  You’ll not only enjoy a splendid meal of fine Merlot, dwarf potatoes, and tenderly roasted squab but it’s a sure bet you’ll get a big tip from the delivery boy.    
            Now it’s time to tell yourself how much you love you.  Speak passionately about your long, wet, soapy hair and all the dark orange discharge under your fingernails.  Turn on some soft jazz or Motley Crue and make up a poem about all the traits that make you a perfect mate such as your engaging charm, your silky skin, and your acne in the shape of a Leprechaun.  Talk about your wonderful personality.  No, talk about both of your wonderful personalities and all the amazing things the three of you have collected from various establishments without offering payment.        
            Now that you’ve sweet talked yourself into a blissful state of delight, you’re ready to ask yourself a very important question.  Look right in the mirror, straight into those big yellow eyes of yours and say, “My lovely, would you mind if I turn on the video camera?  I promise nobody will ever see it but us.”  Your answer will tell you a lot about how much you trust yourself and those around you, if you ever get to the point where there actually are others around you.                                                     
            One of my first patients couldn’t figure out how to love herself.  She simply did not feel ready for that kind of a commitment.  She had a long talk with herself and finally said, “Look, it’s not me, it’s me.”  This is very common.  Usually, one of you feels a little differently about the relationship than the other one of you.  That’s okay.  But I’m proud to say she worked through her differences with herself.  After many hot baths, long conversations, and a few stitches, they began to see the good in each other.  The same joyful results can be yours.  But you have to make it happen.  Remember, you are in charge.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


            What is your meaning?  What is your purpose?  What is your neighbor thinking when she wears those pants?  Why must there be suffering?  Must we suffer so we can grow?  If suffering makes you overeat, the answer is yes.  But can’t we grow; can’t we overeat, without all the agony? 
            You may find you can experience a sense of spirituality if you go through something extraordinary like a terrifying car crash, a police interrogation, or an evening with the Hoopleson’s showing off their burnt food collection.  Doing all these things will bring you closer to the spirit of your spirituality by acknowledging there is something in the universe larger than yourself.  Will it take you to the meaning of life or give you directions to the Big and Tall department?  For this quest to be beneficial you must be receptive to the mystery element that is larger than yourself; but will you?  That is your choice, yours and no one else’s.  You and only you can decide.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


            To get the most out of any visualization experience you must be willing to use all your senses.  Let’s say you’re in the parking lot, preparing to enter the giant steel and glass building for a job interview.  Close your eyes and watch yourself walk in.  The pretty receptionist with the warm smile greets you.  Visualize being in the office of the person who will be your interviewer.  See his phony, pasted on smile and slightly discolored teeth.  Grasp the hand he offers and feel his limp, dead trout handshake and the slick, sticky film that transfers itself from his palm to yours.  Hear his voice that betrays a heavy use of cigarettes and cheap whiskey.  Smell the room and gently take in the distinct aromas of stale air freshener, freshly cut plastic flowers, and some type of meat.  Taste the plastic tip of your pen and write the following in your notebook; “I would rather work in Hell than for this salamander.”