Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Finding the Beauty in Gum Disease

            Imagine all the beauty inherently present in a case of severe pyarea.  Learn as you watch the miracle of science.  Where else can you find so many different forms of bacteria that work together to produce the beautiful toxins that eat away at things like bone and gum tissue?  The way pyarea takes hold is a monument to cooperation.  Think of all the natural outcomes those bacteria can produce like bleeding, bad breath, and visible pus.  If left untreated, the gums can actually pull away from the teeth and free themselves from you and your judgemental hygienist.  Your senses will be heightened with new experiences of intensified pain and the effects of narcotics that ultimately come to your rescue.  Meanwhile, your liberated molars and bicuspids will be free to frolick on vacation, make a necklace of themselves, or take in a lecture by your wisdom teeth.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Find the Beauty in Your Burned Down House

 From the Desk of Doctor B. D. Septive
The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

     Look at the charred and smoldering remains of your two-story condo.  I know it must be difficult, but think of all the miracles that took place during that flaming particle board barbecue.  The most obvious miracle was that none of your pets were inside.  That’s because you never had any pets and each one of them is sincerely thankful.  Your refrigerator contained no desserts and none of your clothes were worth saving, except the new pair of pleated trousers with the horse tail.  Think of what a blessing it is that your home burned down when it did.  The value had just dropped way below what you had it insured for and the new assessment from the county isn’t due for another five months.  With your newly acquired windfall you can buy a much nicer condo, lots of smooth, creamy desserts, and all the horse tail pants your new super walk-in closet can hold.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Find the Beauty in Your Colonoscopy

From the Desk of Doctor B. D. Septive
The Most Self-Helpiest of All Self-Help Gurus

            When it’s time for your colonoscopy you can forget about all the enemas or laxative preparation you had to go through to get yourself ready.  Sit quietly and prepare yourself to answer the same questions five or six times about allergies, who will drive you home, and why you wear Spiderman boxers.  Smile in your heart because the beautiful, powerful anaesthesia is on its way and, with it, your ticket to Hallucination City.      
            Remember the last dream you experienced under the influence of hospital quality tranquilizers?  It was that doozy about Helga and her encounter with your roommate.  Sure, you remember.  It’s the one where she said she would never see him again.  But she came over the next day, planted contraband in the sofa, and called the cops when your roommate was in the bathroom.  But when the police arrived they arrested her because, wrapped around her neck was a live chinchilla.  Relax, reorganize, and enjoy the moment.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Find the Beauty in Your Flooded Basement

From the Desk of Doctor B. D. Septive
The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus
            At first glance your flooded basement may cause you to think of a high priced visit from the plumber or your ruined boxes of counterfeit twenty dollar bills.  But you must look deeper.  Watch the waves and appreciate how they gently rock your flat screen TV as it floats by.  Relish the submerged Indian rugs and predict what new patterns the water damage will create.  Think of all the upcoming lazy afternoons when you and your nephew Stinky will share a soda and a fishing pole, while you try to catch all your expensive Beta fish before the toads can get them.