Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Make a List of Things Important to You

From the desk of Doctor B. D. Septive: The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus 

            A list like this can help you to realize what you love and what you want to strive for.  Don’t be concerned with what others may think of your list.  You are the only one who has to see it.  And don’t be afraid.  Fear can severely hamper your quest toward feeling the happiness of being happily happy.  Here are the top six wishes of goal oriented people ranked in order of importance by the Bamboozle Institute of Greater Chicago.
  1. To touch something soft without getting arrested.   
  2. To go to the health club without entertaining thoughts of suicide.
  3. A good work ethic as long as someone else does the work.   
  4. To drive to the grocery store without having to flip somebody the bird.
  5. To receive a birthday card from the boss with pictures of donkeys and security guards engaged in inappropriate activities; setting the stage for a harassment lawsuit even though he signed the card “Scooter” making it difficult to prove who sent it.  
  6. To touch something hard without getting arrested.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Don't Just Pick Any Goal

From the desk of Doctor B. D. Septive 
            A goal has to be something that is important to you.  If it’s important that you have attention or fame to fan your ever expanding ego, go for it.  Just don’t come crying to me when your empty life is a shallow collection of drama classes.  If it’s important that you get away with things you shouldn’t be doing in the first place, every day will be its own challenge.  Of course, if you do get caught good luck at your new job in the prison laundry.  If it’s important for you to endure increasingly painful forms of punishment, call your insurance company.   
            Your goals depend upon you.  Who are you, what do you want, and why do you keep ringing my doorbell and running away?  Get back here.  I didn’t say it would be easy.  If it’s important it’s never easy.  But so what?  It wasn’t easy when you rode a bike for the first time.  It wasn’t easy when you switched tires with your neighbor when he was asleep.  It wasn’t easy to convince Mable she should let you wear her prosthesis. 
            If it’s important you can do it; you must do it.  So pay for your fried baloney sandwich and make your way out of the bus station.  Only you can discover what is important to you because only you know the you that’s really you.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Don’t Give Up on Your Goals When Times Get Hard

From the Desk of Doctor B. D. Septive 
            This is when your goals become most important.  Working toward what you want is the perfect way to take your mind off unpleasantness.  For example, take that annoying family in your neighborhood that turned their backyard into a skeet shooting range.  The next time you hear a shotgun blast accompanied by flying pellets, just remember the barbecue grill you’re building will get more than hot enough to liquefy clay, titanium, or a Dodge truck.
            Think toward the future.  There is nothing to be gained by dwelling on how many bits of exploding clay disc land in your swimming pool every half hour.  Take those bits of clay and make clay lemonade.  Use the opportunity to start a new hobby like night vision video surveillance, liquefying metal items for your catapult, or turning your own backyard into a bazooka range.   

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Set Mini-Goals That Help You Get What You Really Want

            It’s best to go after your big goal in short, easy steps.  Let’s say you want a  girlfriend and you get one.  Next, you may want one with a bigger chest.  Then one with a chest that’s real.  Next you'll want a woman who doesn’t think sex is icky; then a woman with her own fingerprints. 
            See how easy life becomes when you follow a logical progression?  Keep making improvements and refinements until you have exactly what you want. Working up to your goal in short, easy steps is the best way to take on new challenges and encourage yourself to grow.  It will force you to make a plan, meet deadlines, and stop wearing your wrestling outfit to the Home Owners Association meetings.

Friday, December 9, 2011

GOALS Level Three

Mostly Functional but May Snap at Any Time

            These are the most dangerous people of all.  They look normal.  They act normal.  Most of them smell normal.  But, every once in a while, they reveal something that signals they are not normal.  If you are one of them you should try to stop doing things that reveal the depth of your madness. 
            After a hard day of giving in to other people’s requests, you can’t throw the casserole at the wall just because someone asks you to put on some clothes.  I know you always let others get in line ahead of you.  But that’s no reason to smash your head through a wall when the guy in front of you buys the last ticket.  And the next time your neighbor wants to borrow your hedge clippers just say no instead of chasing him down the block in an attempt to cut off his winkie.  If you can perform these simple actions your life could turn off Weeping Willow Drive and onto Uncertain Avenue.  From there, it’s only a few short blocks to Smile Street.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

GOALS : Level Two

 Totally Dysfunctional

            Most of you are beyond the first level of goals and are able to get yourself out of bed once or twice a day.  If not, maybe you should stay away from the mattress store.  Now, just because you are actually awake for more than six hours at a time that doesn’t mean you are living on Merry Mountain.  You’re holding down a job of some sort and, on most days, you eat.  That’s good.  But you can be so much more.  Your goals might be, “I’d like to be able to walk the dog without feeling compelled to explain the color of his fur”, or “I’d like to go to a movie without needing to sit next to the only other person in the theater”, or “I’d like to be able to go to the bank without wearing my John Dillinger costume”.  At this point in your development, the most important thing for you to work on is self-control. 
            The next time you’re holding the boss’s birthday cake and he says, “Let me have it!” resist, resist, resist.  No matter how good you think it would feel or how much the other employees chant “Throw It!”  Don’t!  That’s self -control.
            The next time you feel like dropping your pen so you can get on the floor and look up the mannequin’s dress, think about the guy in the security monitor room.  That’s self-control.  You don't wan't to be on your hands and knees before you remember that everyone in the store has a camera.
              The next time you’re tempted to do inappropriate things with your lawn sprinkler stop and think about yourself.  Remember yourself?  You’re the trend setter, the guy who wears the clip-on bow tie, the only person you know who collects other people's fingernail clippings.  Yes, that’s you, totally dysfunctional.

Saturday, December 3, 2011


Worse Than Totally Dysfunctional
            If you are completely unable to function in the real world you have choices to make.  Do you want to keep going the way you are, spending more and more time with Twinkies and Judge Judy?  Or do you want to get off the sofa and watch from a recliner?  I understand how difficult these decisions can be, so start where ever you feel most comfortable.
            You might begin with a goal of, “I want to go longer than five minutes without screaming”.  Put yourself in the place of others.  Can you understand how unnerving your behavior is to your fellow members in the church choir?   They expected your solo of “Amazing Grace” not a rant about the Federal Reserve.  
            Once you have controlled, or at least muffled, your compulsive bellowing you can move on to other goals like, “I wish I could make it through one business meeting without taking off my pants” or “I would like to enjoy one Eskimo Pie without needing to eat thirty-five more.”   These are valid goals depending on where you are in your journey. 
            So, where are you?  Are you wandering aimlessly from sand trap to sand trap?  Are you re-dialing telephone solicitors so you can interrupt them at work?  Are you in the kitchen drinking the barbecue sauce?  It matters not where you are now.  What matters is where you are going.  And only you know where that is because only you know the you that’s really you.

Thursday, December 1, 2011


The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus 

            You can’t just sit around doing nothing and expect to be happy.  Even the world’s laziest sloth won’t be happy doing nothing forever.  Sure, sitting in the shade drinking rum with caramelized onions is fun for a while but, sooner or later, you will be bored stiff, and I don’t mean stiff in a good way. 
            Believe it or not, you are talented at something.  Maybe you have a knack for color-coordinating prison garb.  It could be you’re able stuff both fists into your mouth at the same time.  Perhaps you can accurately predict which of your cousins will be inducted into the Arsonists Hall of Fame.  Everyone’s talents are different and yours are no less valid than anyone’s.
            But don’t believe all those nerds who say working toward your goal is just as good as achieving it.  That’s ridiculous.  Is hitting a homerun to win the game just as good as if you strike out trying?  Of course not.  Don’t get me wrong, trying is a good thing.  You’ll never succeed if you don’t try.  But you may try your best and still not succeed.  Can you live with that?
            Working at a job you love that pays poverty wages is fine while you’re actually doing the work.  But when you get home to your basement apartment with the mud walls and artificial pets, it only makes you question your existence.  That is certainly not what this book is about.  This book is about asking yourself about your existence.  No, it’s not the same thing.  I want you to question yourself, not your existence.  So when you’re squeezed into the green plastic chair watching reruns of “I Married a Manatee” you must ask yourself, “Do I want to keep doing this job I love or should I put away the blue vest?”  
            If you don’t have any goals, you need to get some.  Actually, you need to set some.  You can’t just go get some goals.  It’s neither practical nor possible to get on your unicycle or your donkey and ride over to the goal store and pick some up.  You have to think about your problems and set goals that will help you overcome them. 
            There are three levels of goals. Level one is for the totally dysfunctional.  Level two is for those who wish they could cope as well as those who are totally dysfunctional.  Level three is for people that are mostly functional but have the potential to snap at any moment.  I will explore these three goal levels over the next few days.