Tuesday, September 27, 2011

When you are in a business meeting

  MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

            You must ask yourself, “Why am I here?”  Is it to find a way to increase sales?  Is it to keep track of who’s late and who doesn’t show up so you can leave the boss an anonymous note telling him your chief rival is a slacker?  Is it to make sure you eat as much pastry as possible because you’ve been working your butt off for the company for 14 years and they’re paying you squat? 
            If you’re sick and tired of the company, ask your boss, “Why am I here?”   If you don't mind getting fired, ask your boss, “Why are you here, dipshit?”  You could probably leave off the “dipshit” part and still get fired but, as long as you’re getting canned, you might as well go all the way.  It may not be as good as punching his lights out.  But, after all, you don’t want to get arrested.  But keep the fantasy.  It’s healthy.
              If you want to be seen as a great leader and a man or woman of vision, stand up, silently look over all in attendance, and ask each of them to tell you why they are here.  At first, they will look down and try to avoid saying anything.  But, eventually, some kiss-ass will speak up and then it will be every man and woman for him or herself.  Pretty soon you’ll have a boatload of reasons and you can pick the best one as your own.  Your boss will think you’re brilliant and you haven’t actually done a damn thing. 
            But is that who you really are?  Are you the one who thinks of ways to get everyone else to do the work while you reap all the benefits?  If so, you are well on your way to a promising career as a CEO.  Drain your scotch and formaldehyde and order another one.  There's always room on the commuter train to Oblivion.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

When you are listening to music

MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE:  The Self-Helpiest of all the Self-Help Gurus
            When you’re listening to music, who are you?  Do you become Pete Townsend if you’re listening to The Who?  Are you Angus when you listen to Cheap Trick?  Are you that guy whose name nobody remembers when you listen to Foo Fighters?  Only you can answer these questions.
            So who are you and who do you want to be?  If you answered with two different names you’ve got work to do.  You are you and you should want to be you.  If you don’t want to be you, you will always be disappointed because you will always be you.  If you aren’t you, then I’ve been talking to the wrong person for all these pages. 
            Of course you will always be you, but which you do you really want to be?  Do you want to be the you that helped Mrs. Guacamole across the street yesterday?  Or do you want to be the you who yelled at little Freddie because his baseball broke one of your petunias?  Mrs. Guacamole gave you a huge smile followed by an unexpected slap on your rump.  When you got home you noticed she had slipped her phone number into your hip pocket.  Little Freddie ran home crying because you said he throws like Richard Simmons. 
            So, which you is the real you?  Well, they both are.  But you get to decide which one will be out in public.  If you want to scream obscenities in your basement while you destroy all the furniture with a sledge hammer, that’s up to you, too.  Of course you’ll be awfully tired afterwards but it just might be good therapy.  Some of the most famous leaders in world history maintained crash and burn rooms for the sake of their own sanity.  I’m not going to name names but you know who you are, Dick Cheney.  Remember, it’s really up to you.  You are in charge.  Be the bull or be the bully.  Be the monk or the monkey.  The pen or the penny.  It’s your call but make it wisely because if you choose to be the monk you might have to stop talking for a year or two.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

When you are walking your dog

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The most self-helpiest of all the self-help gurus 
            Of course, when you’re walking your dog, your dog is going to want to know why you were playing in the park, throwing Frisbees to someone else’s pup.  You can’t reason with dogs so you’ll just have to give her a treat and resign yourself to the fact that she will be shedding on the sofa whenever you leave the house.
            But who are you?  And who is your dog?  Some folks think their dogs are reincarnated relatives or celebrities.  That’s why so many of them name their bulldogs after Winston Churchill.  Listen, if you want to believe your Airedale is Uncle Charles because he barks with a lisp, that’s your business.  All I’m saying is; you have to look inside yourself.  If you look inside the dog you’re only going to find half-digested leftovers and a gallon of water from the toilet.
            But, why are you here?  You should be enjoying yourself and the dog who loves you.  Take her to Dog Day at the ballpark.  After experiencing all the intoxicating smells of hot dogs, popcorn, and urine she will surely lick your face.  Enjoy the moment and try not to compare it to the time you got licked by Beulah in accounting.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

When you’re at Foul-Mart, or when you’re watching people buy guns, or when you're watching people buy guns at Foul-Mart

 FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE:  The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

            This may be the best time to ask yourself, “Who am I and why am I here?”  Is it because you enjoy listening to screaming children?  Are you here because you love the sweet aroma of caramel covered hot dogs?  Or are you here because you’re one of the people buying an assault weapon?  Maybe you’ve come in for some dental work.  Maybe you crave donuts.  Maybe your need for donuts has prompted your need for dental work.  Or maybe you’re just seeking a vacation from the screaming kids at J-Mart. 
            The reason you’re here is only half the question which, of course, only gives you half an answer.  The other half, as you know, is who am I?  If you’re a 900 pound chuck wagon spanking your toddler with a fly swatter, you may be past the point of no return.  Buy the assault weapon and use it on yourself.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

When you’re making love with someone or all by yourself

 This is not the time to be asking who you are or why you're here.  Just enjoy the moment.

NEXT TIME:  When you're at Foul-Mart, when you'e watching people buy guns, or when you're watching people buy guns at Foul-Mart.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

When you’re reading the paper about the latest government official to get caught in a sex scandal

 MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The self-helpiest of all self-help gurus
            You must ask yourself, “Why am I here and why did so many people vote for this schmuck who was caught having a day to day tete-a-tete with a 16-year-old team leader at Chuckie Cheese?   When things like this happen it’s perfectly normal to wonder how the world got to the point where people we elect shoot liquid methamphetamine into their eyelids or have relations with groups of incarcerated marsupials.  At times like this, even the politicians will ask, “Why couldn’t those costumed strumpets just play their trumpets?” 
            They are all on the wrong road, the road paved with selfishness and greed instead of inner peace and procrastination.  They’re on the road that winds its way to the back entrance of the steaming cesspool.  That’s not your road.  Your road is the one where you can see all the Puffer bellies standing in a row.
            So you have to ask yourself, “Who am I?”   Am I me or am I an elected official who wants to have all the money in the world so I can employ my own personal sex slaves for nine cents a night?  Or am I the me who wishes I could be that elected official’s traveling secretary?  Well, be careful what you wish for because you might get it along with something else that won’t go away without extra-strength antibiotics.  You see, you have started to ask yourself about yourself in a deeper way than just asking who you are.  You have begun to ask yourself who you are not.

NEXT TIME: When you're making love with someone or all by yourself

Friday, September 2, 2011

When you're watching Oprah

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

            You must ask yourself, “Why am I here?  Don’t I have anything better to do than watch some overpaid celebrity jump up and down on Oprah’s couch?”   But the real question is why are you sitting there on your own couch?  Why are you listening to people you don’t know, don’t care about, and will never meet when you could be doing something productive like painting, jogging, or competitive eating?
            Are you asking yourself how you can be more like Oprah?  That’s easy.  Publish a monthly magazine and put your own picture on every cover.  Anybody can do that and it doesn’t get you one millimeter closer to answering the questions “Who am I and why am I here?”  Oprah has so much money she probably uses it to wipe her ass.  So you shouldn’t be asking yourself, “How can I be more like Oprah?”  You should be asking yourself how to get to the highest level of your existence; the most desirable level; the level where it is somehow appropriate to use currency as toilet paper. 
            The only way to find out the answer is the same way you find the answer to anything and everything in your life.  You still don’t know yourself well enough to answer your number one question.  You probably haven’t even played Gin with yourself or taken in a play, a movie, or a handsome stranger.  All these experiences are key to your own self-discovery.  Not just these experiences, but all your experiences.  It is not up to the author of this or any other blog to tell you what your life experiences should be.  It is up to the author of this blog to help you ask yourself the right questions so you can find yourself.  And when you find yourself you must determine exactly how you got there.  
When you’re reading the paper about the latest government official to get caught in a sex scandal