FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The most self-helpiest of all self-help gurus
This is the time when almost everyone on the planet asks themselves, “Why am I here?” Is it really necessary to watch someone with his hand up the backside of Goobus McFurd? How many splinter jokes can there possibly be? And why doesn’t the dummy choke when he and the other guy drink a glass of water and sing at the same time? If you’ve ever been so insulted you tried to punch the dummy, you’re a lost cause.
When you go home and look at that glass thingy on the bathroom wall and see another person, you’d better punch him, too. He’s probably an intruder looking to steal your antiques, your jewelry, your testicles. Don’t you think it’s odd that he always moves when you do but, when he does, he uses the opposite hand? It’s almost as though he knows what you are going to do ahead of time. He must be some alien creature who has secretly broken in to your brain, waiting for you to make a mistake. You’d better keep your eyes on him. That means you will have to stay in the bathroom until he goes away. Thankfully, it is the room in your house with the most reading material. But wait, maybe that guy looking back at you from the glass thingy is an illusion. Of course, if that makes sense to you, you never would have punched the dummy in the first place.
But which one is the dummy? I suppose it depends on your definition of the word. Is the dummy a lifeless doll filled with stuffing or magic beans? Is the dummy the guy who sits on a stool with Goobus McFurd on his lap? Or is the dummy the one who is sitting in his bathroom watching someone who looks like your twin and won’t stop copying you? The only way to answer these questions is to answer another question: “Who am I?”
If you’re watching the ventriloquist you may be someone who needed a good excuse to laugh. No danger there. However, if you feel yourself being attracted to Goobus, if you want to be a Goobus groupie, or if you really wish you were Goobus, you may need some form of cranial correction or replacement. Maybe Goobus would like to live in your bathroom with that guy who looks like you. Perhaps Goobus could help you deal with that guy and explain to you the concept of illusion. You won’t know what Goobus wants to do unless you ask.
But shouldn’t you be asking yourself the tough questions instead of spending your time talking to a dummy? Ask that question of the guy in your bathroom.