Tuesday, October 25, 2011

When you are watching a ventriloquist

 FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The most self-helpiest of all self-help gurus

            This is the time when almost everyone on the planet asks themselves, “Why am I here?”  Is it really necessary to watch someone with his hand up the backside of Goobus McFurd?  How many splinter jokes can there possibly be?  And why doesn’t the dummy choke when he and the other guy drink a glass of water and sing at the same time?  If you’ve ever been so insulted you tried to punch the dummy, you’re a lost cause. 
            When you go home and look at that glass thingy on the bathroom wall and see another person, you’d better punch him, too.  He’s probably an intruder looking to steal your antiques, your jewelry, your testicles.  Don’t you think it’s odd that he always moves when you do but, when he does, he uses the opposite hand?  It’s almost as though he knows what you are going to do ahead of time.  He must be some alien creature who has secretly broken in to your brain, waiting for you to make a mistake.  You’d better keep your eyes on him.  That means you will have to stay in the bathroom until he goes away.  Thankfully, it is the room in your house with the most reading material.  But wait, maybe that guy looking back at you from the glass thingy is an illusion.  Of course, if that makes sense to you, you never would have punched the dummy in the first place. 
            But which one is the dummy?  I suppose it depends on your definition of the word.  Is the dummy a lifeless doll filled with stuffing or magic beans?  Is the dummy the guy who sits on a stool with Goobus McFurd on his lap?  Or is the dummy the one who is sitting in his bathroom watching someone who looks like your twin and won’t stop copying you?  The only way to answer these questions is to answer another question: “Who am I?”
            If you’re watching the ventriloquist you may be someone who needed a good excuse to laugh.  No danger there.  However, if you feel yourself being attracted to Goobus, if you want to be a Goobus groupie, or if you really wish you were Goobus, you may need some form of cranial correction or replacement.  Maybe Goobus would like to live in your bathroom with that guy who looks like you.  Perhaps Goobus could help you deal with that guy and explain to you the concept of illusion.  You won’t know what Goobus wants to do unless you ask. 
            But shouldn’t you be asking yourself the tough questions instead of spending your time talking to a dummy?   Ask that question of the guy in your bathroom.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

When you break up laughing while your boss is reprimanding you

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE:  The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

            What better time is there to know “who you are” than when you are in trouble at work?  Are you the job?   Of course not, but that’s what your boss wants you to be.  He expects you to work night and day for no raise, no recognition, and no sending copies of your butt to Muriel, the receptionist.  He wants you to work much longer and harder than he does and he expects to pay you much less.  And who shirks responsibility more than him?  When he’s the last to leave does he ever feed the Yorkie-Poo attack dogs?  Does he ever give his mother the day off so she can have her extra toe removed?  And don’t you think it’s high time he got something for all those children who live in the basement and run the machines?  He also believes it’s just fine to send his own butt copies to Muriel, a behavior you feel is highly disturbing, seeing as how Muriel is his brother.  
             But no one will put you down for laughing at the boss.  It is perfectly understandable.  When was the last time he actually had a good idea that wasn’t someone else’s first?   He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it.  But are you laughing at what he’s telling you or are you laughing at his new vinyl toupee? 
            If something is funny you must laugh.  If you don’t laugh, you risk causing great tension which, everyone knows, can lead to brain tumors in mice.  So you’d better laugh, especially if you have pet mice.  If something is funny laughing is natural and healthy, not just for you but for those around you.  Nobody wants to work with, live with, or play with somebody who can’t laugh.  What is the first thing mentioned on every single person’s online dating profile?  It’s “I love to laugh”.  So, even if you aren’t laughing there is someone, somewhere who is and you should be proud of them. 
            Of course there are those of you who will choose to hold it in.   But you’ll only be stifling yourself, your spontaneity, your very life’s energy.  If you’re drinking something at the same time, you’re stifling the opportunity to do a spit take right on the boss man’s twelve hundred dollar suit.
             So, go on.  Laugh in your boss’s face.  He has no life anyway.  His wife and kids hate him because he’s rarely home and when he is they criticize him or ask him for money.  Is that what you want your life to be?  If so, drain your Scotch and   formaldehyde and order another.  There’s always room on the commuter train to Oblivion.  But maybe Oblivion isn’t good enough for you.  If not, you have finally started asking yourself the right questions.

Monday, October 10, 2011

When you are reading about people you’ve never heard of who are, supposedly, celebrities

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus 

            You must ask yourself, “Why am I here and who the hell are these people on the covers of all the supermarket tabloids?  If someone is rich does that make him a celebrity or just annoying?  If someone is on a reality TV show does that make her a celebrity or just pathetic?  If someone is naked do we have to hear about it over and over again?  You’d think nobody was ever naked. 
            Well, six months ago I spoke with the Reverend J.J. Pootface and he told me about the church he founded called the Nobody is Ever Allowed to be Naked Sanctuary.  Rev. Pootface said people’s obsession with nudity is killing the country, the world, the universe.  He stated that if nobody was ever allowed to be naked the world would be a much better place. 
            Of course he had to fight off attacks from the strip club lobby and certain nudist camps.  But, eventually, the strip clubs decided to declare themselves and their activities a religion.  Now, in several states, they enjoy tax free status.  But in order for the strip clubs to be considered churches, they had to convince the government that being nude is a religious belief.  In so doing, the club owners painted themselves into a corner.   To get tax free status, everyone in the clubs had to be nude at all times, including the owners, managers, waitresses, cooks, bartenders, and patrons.  On a positive note, it forced those in the kitchen to serve healthier food.  The nude cooks refused to prepare anything that had to deep fried.  Besides that, the expression “there’s a fly in my soup” took on a whole new meaning. 
            At first things seemed to be working out great for the new Churches of Inspiration to the Uncovered Skin (COITUS) but, alas, they were doomed to failure.  It didn’t take long before the dancers were sickened to the point of illness from seeing their customers in the buff.  It’s one thing to give a lap dance to a big, smelly guy with a cigar in his mouth but it is entirely different to give the same lap dance to the same big, smelly guy with hairy rolls of fat exposed and perspiration dripping down his torso with nothing to absorb it. 
            The patrons didn’t seem to mind.  In a disturbing development, most of the nude churches doubled their customer base overnight.  Not only that, but each patron spent twice as much on drinks as they had previously.  So, with twice as many customers, each buying twice as many drinks, profits were up substantially.  It was the dancers who couldn’t take it.  After all the girls quit, the club owners decided to hire guys from the audience to dance.  Most of the patrons were so drunk they never even noticed, until that fateful night.
            At one of the nude churches in Ogelthigh, Mississippi, Blaine Headsfree was gyrating to the sounds of Lady Magagonna’s “Don’t Put That There” when his bikini bottom ripped and his entire manhood fell out.  There it was for all to see.  Blaine didn’t notice right away, but soon patrons began throwing beer, cigars, and furniture in his direction.  Because it was cigar night, there were more lit cigars thrown than anything else, thus causing the club to burn down along with most of Ogelthigh. 
            Finally, the patrons realized they had been had.  When news of the tragedy spread throughout the country, every nude church had plastered patrons protesting and running onstage to pull the bikini briefs off the dancers.  Every exposed mansack caused another riot until nude churches had gone the way of the Edsel, the enclosed phone booth, and polite talk radio.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

When you are watching sports on TV

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus 
            This is the perfect time to ask yourself “Why am I here?”  Wouldn’t you rather be doing things instead of watching other people do things?  So what if you can’t dunk a basketball or hit a homerun?  You could try.  In fact, that’s what’s fundamentally wrong with you.  You don’t try.  You believe if you never try you can’t fail.  But you are oh so wrong.  If you never try you fail to live.  To live is to fail, to try again, and fail again.  To love is to have your heart broken, recover, then have your heart stomped to death by the high heels of a meter maid named Beatrice.               
            But nobody fails all the time.  And nobody succeeds without trying.  Trying is the only way you will ever get from here to there.  Even if you don’t know where “there” is, you will always strive to reach it.  “There” is where you are not now.  “There” is where you aspire to be.            
            So if your kids are asking, “Are we there yet?” you must answer, “We’ll get there when we get there.”  That’s just confusing enough to make them think a little and it avoids you having to tell them they will never get “there” no matter how hard they try.   Why?  Because as soon as they reach a goal, there will be another “there” that looks mighty inviting.  So, they will set out for that one.  And so on and so forth. This will continue until the day they die.  Long story short, I don’t recommend you tell your kids they’ll still be trying to get “there” when they die.  They might burst into tears or set a national park on fire.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

When your parents keep asking you when you are going to get married

 FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

            This is the perfect time to ask yourself, “Why am I here?”  Most parents don’t seem to understand that in order to get married one must first get a date.  At a certain point they will come to believe you’re lying about still being a virgin or they will just assume you are gay.  When you were in high school they wanted you to go out with a lot of people.  But you were young and idealistic and thought your first love would be your one and only.  When you were in college and dated lots of different people, they constantly hounded you about settling down and being with one person, especially after you passed the age they were when they got married.  In a few short years your parents went from trying to protect you from an unwanted pregnancy to being pissed off and envious that you’ve had sex with more people than they have.  But that’s their job.  That’s who they are.
            But who are you?  Are you the good son, the good daughter?  The one who always takes out the garbage and does the dishes even when it’s not your turn?  Are you the bad son or the bad daughter who always takes money out of your mother’s purse when she’s not looking?  Or are you the bad son or daughter whose parents think you’re good because you do and say all the right things only to steal their credit cards and hop a plane to Cancun with a guy named Badger?   Only you can provide the answers.