When your parents keep asking you when you are going to get married

 FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

            This is the perfect time to ask yourself, “Why am I here?”  Most parents don’t seem to understand that in order to get married one must first get a date.  At a certain point they will come to believe you’re lying about still being a virgin or they will just assume you are gay.  When you were in high school they wanted you to go out with a lot of people.  But you were young and idealistic and thought your first love would be your one and only.  When you were in college and dated lots of different people, they constantly hounded you about settling down and being with one person, especially after you passed the age they were when they got married.  In a few short years your parents went from trying to protect you from an unwanted pregnancy to being pissed off and envious that you’ve had sex with more people than they have.  But that’s their job.  That’s who they are.

            But who are you?  Are you the good son, the good daughter?  The one who always takes out the garbage and does the dishes even when it’s not your turn?  Are you the bad son or the bad daughter who always takes money out of your mother’s purse when she’s not looking?  Or are you the bad son or daughter whose parents think you’re good because you do and say all the right things only to steal their credit cards and hop a plane to Cancun with a guy named Badger?   Only you can provide the answers.