Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Your Personal Spirit

            You should start thinking about your spirit.  Will it be a mischievous spirit?  Will it come around after you’re dead and rearrange people’s drawers so they can’t find their glasses?  Will your spirit make the cat hiss dirty words and breathe fire when she’s waiting to be fed?  Will your spirit indiscriminately throw dessert?
            Or will yours be a different kind of spirit; the kind that protects kids from being run over by the school bus?  Will it move Mr. Spitts out of the way just before the stallion or the showgirl does a high kick?  Will your spirit be what keeps Mrs. Socialstress from accidentally putting lithium in the cake batter or asparagus berries in the punchbowl?
            Maybe your spirit could send messages from the dead to the living.  You could finally explain to your relatives why Uncle Soapy spends every New Year’s Day screaming about the evil ingredients in salad dressing.  You could be the one who tells party guests about all the wonders of the afterlife.  But be careful not to get too specific.  Saying things like, “When it’s her time to go, Aunt Gretchen won’t need a sweater”, regardless of how true it is, could still hurt her feelings, causing her to head-butt Uncle Soapy.                                    

Monday, August 27, 2012

More on Karma

If something bad happened to you yesterday it’s because you did something bad yourself.  If you can’t remember doing anything bad then it happened in a previous life, or a small part of your brain may have been removed when you weren’t paying attention.  In 1975 Vladimir Borshamoy wrote about a very interesting phenomenon concerning small parts of people’s brains being removed through their pants.  In the scientific world this phenomenon is known as cranial flatulence or, in layman’s terms, brain fart.  Typically, these occur while giving presentations to important clients or during political debates.
            On the other hand, if something good happened to you it is because you did something good and the universe has sent some goodness back.  If you can’t remember doing something good then it happened during a previous life or when you were removing part of someone’s brain through their pants.  Let’s say you are a really rotten guy, a child molester or a CEO who closed a factory so he could build it somewhere that people work for twelve cents an hour.  If good things keep happening to you over and over again, it’s because of all the good stuff you did when you were living in ancient Greece working in the livery stable with Constantine Papasopoulos.
            So, here’s the deal and it’s a pretty good deal for you.  If you want good things to happen, just do some good things.  You see, the more you give, the more you get.  Of course, it’s possible that you can do a million nice things and nothing good will happen to you until your next life.  But what have you got to lose?  Is it going to hurt you to be nice to Cousin Commando, even though he has made no secret of all the different ways he wants to kill you in your sleep?  Besides, wait until his next life when he’s an aardvark in Botswana being chased by a 600 pound lion or swallowed whole by a python.  Who will be smiling then?  Well, you better not be smiling about it.  If you do, the karma universe genie will smite you with something terrible like a huge boil on your face or an afternoon with a Scientologist.
            So, the point of all this is that if you can’t be bothered to do something nice for someone unless you get something in return, stop worrying. The universe will send it back to you.  That’s because the universe is always at your beck and call because you deserve it.

Sunday, August 26, 2012


            Of course, there is good karma and bad karma.  There is also instant karma. Good karma is when you rescue a kitten and, later on, you are rescued from a burning car or a destructive relationship.  Bad karma is when you release a wolf to chase a kitten and, later on you die in a burning car or a destructive relationship.  Instant karma is when you insult Uncle Monroe then turn around only to see his rifle fall off the shelf, discharge, and blow your brain out.
            In dealings with karma, the universe is your friend.  When you put out good stuff, good stuff comes back to you.  When you put out bad vibes, badness follows you like toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe.  It’s simple.  Do good, get good back.  Do bad; get smacked in the head with a crowbar.  The universe is the world’s great scorekeeper.  It keeps track of all the stuff, good or bad, given off by you and everyone else.  It may send something back to you that day or it may send something back to you in a few years.  Mostly, it depends on postal rates. 

Friday, August 24, 2012

Discovering Your Spirituality

            After meditating you will be relaxed and feeling better.  But what does it have to do with your spirituality?  That’s easy.  What you are feeling is the process of being.  You’re not trying to do anything and you’re not trying to do nothing.  You’re not trying to sit and you’re not trying to sit up.  You’re not trying to throw and you’re not trying to throw up.  It’s impossible to do anything wrong.  Remember, only you can think the thoughts you are thinking.  And only you know the thoughts that you are thinking of thinking about.  You’re thinking about thinking and you’re thinking about why you are thinking about thinking.  These are your first steps toward realizing there’s a power greater than yourself; that and the bill collectors who won’t stop calling.