Friday, July 29, 2011

Self-Help Warnings

MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE - The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus                        
          One of the first things Doctor Septive does when enlightening new victims, I mean followers, is to warn them about reading other works by those who claim they can help you improve yourself. 
         Doctor Septive writes: "In his book, Smile Time, Dr. Gilligan Hamstring says, 'Happiness is an important goal'.  Smile Time also has vividly profound chapter titles such as 'Happy Good' and 'Me Want Ha-Ha'.
            "Another bestseller you should be wary of  is How to Topsy Your Own Turvy by Dr. Lorraine Basketcase.  In this tribute to insomnia, Dr. Basketcase explains her belief that the world is upside down.  She says if we are upside down whenever possible it will balance everything out.  When it’s not possible or practical for us to be upside down, she tells us to wear our clothes upside down, thus giving the illusion of upside-down-ed-ness.  Regrettably, many of her dedicated followers have been arrested for public indecency.
            "But worst of all is the tome by Sir Wyatt Wombat titled, In French Toast We Trust.   Now, it makes no difference to me what a man puts on his breakfast, mind you.  But his insane statements stretch the fabric of responsibility to the point where they should not be ignored. 
           "In chapter four he declares, 'Bacon and syrup are the only important things in life'.  After I spent two months swigging bottles of Mrs. Butterworth’s and chomping pieces of fried pork I gained sixty pounds.  Maddeningly, his next book was called If You Want to Lose Weight, Stop Eating Like a Sumo."

NEXT TIME:  What's Wrong With You and How to Fix It


Thursday, July 28, 2011

My first blog

            Here it is July 28, 2011 and I have decided to be a blogger, a blog man, a person of blogishness.  Why?  Because I

 have so many things to share.  But not nearly as many as my close, personal, imaginary friend, Doctor B.D. Septive.

            Doctor Septive has degrees from many different colleges including the world renowned Preposterous University in the charming, little hamlet of Flying Pig, Wyoming.   While studying at P.U. Doctor took many trips to the State of Confusion and, as such, was elected chairman of the Denizens of Preposterous Enjoyment (DOPE).  Active in sports, Doctor was also captain of the university’s electric football team.                
            In his junior year, Doctor founded the organization Nude Under Their Suits (NUTS) which made it their mission to expose lawmakers, provosts, and lawmakers’ provosts.  In the first year of the organization’s existence more than five thousand members of congress were found to be walking around naked under their clothes.                      
            As the most famous graduate of Preposterous U., Doctor travels the country espousing the benefits of an education from any and all non-existent entities.  When Doctor is not writing books or lecturing, he is actively involved in the Center for Reality As Paradox (CRAP).  The center is in its fourteenth year of looking for a place to meet.  
           At this point I must throw in a word of caution because Doctor Septive is not actually a physician or a PhD.  His first name is Doctor.  Therefore, you must understand this blog is not meant to be a substitute for medication, physicians, talk therapy, touch therapy, gelatin therapy, slap in the face with a wet paint brush therapy, eye poking therapy, or waterboarding.  If you’re depressed, see a doctor; a real doctor.   If your doctor’s depressed, see a mime.  If your mime’s depressed break that invisible box he’s stuck in.  Stop reading this blog if you experience a fever higher than 160 degrees and seek immediate help for any sneeze lasting longer than four hours.
          Over the next several weeks I will be sharing Doctor's expertise as the self-helpiest of all self-help gurus.  Our mission together will be to help all of us to be better people or at least stop spending half of each day drawing pictures of dead clowns.
         See ya next time.  Please come back.  It's so lonely in cyberspace.
         Dave Kelley