Friday, July 29, 2011

Self-Help Warnings

MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE - The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus                        
          One of the first things Doctor Septive does when enlightening new victims, I mean followers, is to warn them about reading other works by those who claim they can help you improve yourself. 
         Doctor Septive writes: "In his book, Smile Time, Dr. Gilligan Hamstring says, 'Happiness is an important goal'.  Smile Time also has vividly profound chapter titles such as 'Happy Good' and 'Me Want Ha-Ha'.
            "Another bestseller you should be wary of  is How to Topsy Your Own Turvy by Dr. Lorraine Basketcase.  In this tribute to insomnia, Dr. Basketcase explains her belief that the world is upside down.  She says if we are upside down whenever possible it will balance everything out.  When it’s not possible or practical for us to be upside down, she tells us to wear our clothes upside down, thus giving the illusion of upside-down-ed-ness.  Regrettably, many of her dedicated followers have been arrested for public indecency.
            "But worst of all is the tome by Sir Wyatt Wombat titled, In French Toast We Trust.   Now, it makes no difference to me what a man puts on his breakfast, mind you.  But his insane statements stretch the fabric of responsibility to the point where they should not be ignored. 
           "In chapter four he declares, 'Bacon and syrup are the only important things in life'.  After I spent two months swigging bottles of Mrs. Butterworth’s and chomping pieces of fried pork I gained sixty pounds.  Maddeningly, his next book was called If You Want to Lose Weight, Stop Eating Like a Sumo."

NEXT TIME:  What's Wrong With You and How to Fix It


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