Friday, August 26, 2011

When you are watching someone eat an entire birthday cake by herself then listening to her complain about her weight

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all the Self-Help Gurus

You must ask yourself, "Why am I here and why didn't she at least give me one little piece?  And whose  birthday cake did she eat, anyway?  If it's her own, you'll have to let it go.  It's her cake and she can do with it as she pleases.  If it's your birthday cake you are well within your rights to stop her after the third piece or, when she's done, punch her in the gut.  You may be asking how I, as the author of this blog, can advocate the use of physical violence but it's really not that simple.

If she is capable of eating an entire birthday cake she is probably a very large person.  If she has the balls to eat your own birthday cake right in front of you she will not stop just because you ask her to.  Her physical size combined with her sheer rudeness justify any action you must take to protect yourself and what is yours. If you sit idly by and let enormous and enormously rude people walk all over you, they surely will.

But you still must ask yourself why you are there in the first place.  Why would you be in the company of someone who is so crass and has no regard for your feelings?  Could it be because you haven't asked yourself enough of the hard questions?  Could it be that you are afraid of the answers you might give yourself?  Could it be because she's your mother-in-law?

So, who are you in this situation?   Are you mousy, soft-spoken waif who won't stand up for herself but ultimately offers her guest a cup of hot hemlock in a classic demonstration of being passive/aggressive?  Or are you the take charge woman enabled by the determination to plot her own destiny who says, "Gimme some cake, bitch!"  Will you say that with such authority that your so-called friend, with icing on her face, will drop her fork and look at you with a respect you've never seen from her?  A look she reserves only for the ice cream man or a cruise ship buffet?

Only you know the answers to these questions. But you cannot discover the answers unless you are willing to ask.  Keep asking and keep listening.  The answers will come.

NEXT TIME: When you're watching Oprah

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

When you are talking politics or religion with someone who is a moron

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all the Self-Help Gurus

 You must ask yourself, “Why am I here engaged in a discussion with Uncle Harry about the Apostles’ ideas for Social Security?”  You should have learned the last time you talked to Uncle Harry when he regaled you with stories about the Apostle Stubby.  He told you the Apostle Stubby dressed up like a donkey and carried Mary into Bethlehem.  Aside from the fact that Stubby would have needed a partner to dress up in a donkey suit, and the fact that donkey suits were not readily available in the year 1 B.C., how could someone be an Apostle before Jesus was even born?  Well, Harry says that’s because Stubby was so short nobody ever took him seriously and that’s why he was left out of the Bible.  Is it a coinky-dink that Uncle Harry is 5 foot 1?
            Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being 5 foot 1 but Uncle Harry has never asked himself, “Who am I?”  Do you know why?  It’s because he is not comfortable with who he is.  He is not comfortable enough to ask himself the hard questions, the questions that will set him free from the chains he has coiled around his body and mind. The fact of the matter is Uncle Harry doesn’t want to be 5 foot 1 because he’s haunted by the memory of being trapped in his high school locker, the victim of an atomic wedgie.  He doesn’t realize he is 5 foot 1 only in his physical body.  He has never tried to see himself outside the box, the wedgie locker of his own making.
            This leads us back to the question, “who are you?”  Of course you understand you are you and nobody else can be you but you.  If you give in to the notion that you have to do or be what someone else’s idea of you is, you will forever be bouncing on the wrong pogo stick.  You are the one with the answers.  All you have to do is open your mind to the right page.

NEXT TIME:  When you are watching someone eat an entire birthday cake by herself then listening to her complain about her weight

Friday, August 19, 2011

When you are watching your children sleep

 FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all the Self-Help Gurus
            You must ask yourself, “Why am I here watching little Trudy and Bobo as they slog through dreamland?”  Is it because they look so cute and innocent after climbing all over you for the past four hours?  Or is it because you’re using them as an excuse to avoid being alone with your spouse?  When was the last time he told you he loves you, anyway?  You cook and clean and pick up his disgusting, smelly cigar butts and what thanks do you get?  A beer recipe book for Christmas, that’s what.  Well, maybe it’s time for him to ask himself, “Why am I here?”  But that’s him and you’re you.  Let’s concentrate on you.
            It may be true that sometimes he controls what you do.  That’s only because he’s a selfish, manipulating narcissist with no clue about how to please anyone but himself.  That’s why he’s not standing next to you watching cute little Trudy and Bobo.  Instead, he’s eating Cheetos and watching the Big Boobs Channel while wondering if his Ponzi scheme will be exposed before he can arrange his flight to the Caymans.  But take heart.  You’re you and you are in your own hands.  The question you should be asking yourself is, “Why am I here in this dead-end marriage with a belching, hairy ape who calls himself Jimbo?”  Shouldn’t he be a Jim by now?  Or a James? 
            If you had a better grasp of who you are you would know why you are here.   Maybe your father was a belching, hairy ape and you grew up believing that’s how boys are supposed to behave.  Perhaps your mother let everyone walk all over her and you grew up believing that’s how girls are supposed to behave.  Perhaps you’re plotting his demise even as you read this and no amount of reason or introspection will stop you from pouring the deadly powder into his malt liquor.  I don’t’ know.  I’m only guessing.  You are the one who needs to ask, “Who am I” because you are the only one who can answer that question.
            The answers to all these questions can be found by looking inward, into the mind, body, and spirit of yourself.  You may ask, “How do I look into my spirit?  Isn’t that a bit abstract?”  And to that, I say; “Now you’re getting it.”

NEXT TIME: Talking Politics or Religion with Someone Who is a Moron

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

When you’re playing in the park

            You must ask yourself, “Why am I here throwing a Frisbee to someone else’s dog?”  You have your own dog; a dog you won’t bring to the park because you’re embarrassed about his skin condition.  Your own dog is lying at home in his bed, dreaming of the day he will no longer need a weekly sheep dip while you are out gallivanting with strange canines.  But your own dog doesn’t understand just how brave you are.  He doesn’t realize you have the courage to go to the park with the Frisbee you bought with your own money, and take a chance. 
            You don’t know the dog in the park you’re playing with; you’ve never even met him.  For all you know the dog could catch the Frisbee in his mouth and run to his owner’s car, both of them laughing as they drive away.  And yet, there you are, flinging a disc in the direction of this furry hound of unknown character.  But guess what.  You have made a tremendous breakthrough.  You trust the dog to bring back the Frisbee so you can throw it again.  Or perhaps you trust the dog to bring it back so you can take it away from him while he whimpers and his attractive owner curses you as you walk away.
            If you’re not ready to trust any humans yet, that’s okay.  In fact, you’re wise to understand the potential for disaster.  As attractive as the dog’s owner may be, you are smart to be cautions.  Oh, sure, she might flutter her eyebrows at you and say all the right things but, the next day she could be chasing you out of her shower with an electric mixer.
            So who are you, Mr. Play in the Park with Other People’s Pooches?  Are you really the guy who is bold enough to take chances?  Or are you just pretending to be that guy because you are enthralled by the dog’s attractive owner with the fluttery eyebrows?  Who wouldn’t be?  Fluttery eyebrows are something you don’t see very often.  Personally, I prefer fluttery eyelashes, but to each his own.  If you want a girlfriend with a couple of wooly caterpillars above her peepers, that’s your business.  I’m not going to tell you what to do, just like I’m not going to tell you who you are.  I’m going to ask you who you are.  But me asking isn’t as good as you asking.  You have to keep asking yourself the tough question until you give the tough answer.  Remember; only you know the you that is really you.

Monday, August 15, 2011

When You're at the Grocery Store

From the Desk of Doctor B. D. Septive
 The Self-Helpiest of all the Self-Help Gurus

            You must ask yourself, “Why am I here at the Piggly Wiggly?”   Do you have an unsatisfied craving for bacon that shimmies?  Maybe you’re out of mayonnaise.  Maybe you're out of toothpaste.   Or, maybe you're out of  mayonnaise flavored toothpaste.  The only way to find out why you are here is to ask yourself.  If you don’t answer, ask again.  And no fair looking at your inner caller ID.  Just because you know it’s you calling with a difficult question, that’s no reason to not pick up.          
            This isn’t someone calling to ask you to take part in a survey that ultimately reveals you need a home security system or a water softener.  It’s you asking you to think about you and to put your future at the top of your to do list.  It’s you asking you if you are ever going to put down the tub of lasagna and become the you that you are capable of becoming.  It’s you asking you why gorillas don’t eat meat and yet, you, the higher form of mammal, eat chicken pot pie.  So you must decide.  Are you going to sit there, watching your grass grow, or are you going to throw down your fertilizer gauntlet and make your grass grow? 
            See how hard it is to figure out what you should do, which course to take, whose face to paint?  That’s because you haven’t asked yourself, “Who am I?”  Are you the character you dressed as on Halloween?   If you were Charles Manson or Pat Sajack, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do.  You’d have even more explaining to do if you came as a combination of Charles Manson and Pat Sajack, the short, gray-bearded man wearing a three-piece suit and a swastika carved in his forehead.  If that was your costume, you need to see a specialist.                 
            But for the rest of you, the other 94 per cent, think of what you were on Halloween.  Were you a clown or a gangster?  An alien or a witch?  A flapper or all the Village People?  And why wouldn’t you stop singing YMCA?  See if I ever have you over for a 70’s party, again.  Is that why you are here, to be as annoying as possible?   I doubt it.  You’re here to be the true self that makes up yourself.  The true self that is true to yourself.  The true self that is the truest self of all your selves.  Is the real you a 1944 Studebaker, well put together with classic lines and tough as nails?  Or are you a 1975 Gremlin with a lime green paint job just in case everything else about the car hadn’t already made you sick?  It is within your power to choose who you will be, right after you figure out who you are.

NEXT TIME: When you're playing in the park

Friday, August 12, 2011

When you are driving to work

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus
            When you are driving to work, ask yourself, “Why am I here?”  The obvious answer is you can’t get to work if you don’t drive.  But is that really the obvious answer?  You could take the bus.  You could ride your bike.  You could surf.  The more you ask yourself why you are here the more you will have to think about your life.  The more you think about your life, the more reasons you will come up with to look for more reasons.
            So why are you here, going four miles an hour on the freeway?  Don’t you have better things to do?  Wouldn’t you rather be sunning yourself in the backyard hammock, enjoying a drink of your choice?  Wouldn’t you rather be dancing in the La Brea Tar Pits?  Wouldn’t you rather be getting a root canal?  Well, a root canal will be the least of your worries if you can’t figure out who you are or why you’re here.  If you can’t do that you can’t do anything   Well, you can breathe, of course.  And you can shower if you want.  And you can keep driving to work, but where is it getting you?  Nowhere.  And what is it getting you?  Nothing.  And how is it getting you?   With a pain right in your pancreas.   You can keep doing those things but you won’t be living.  You’ll merely be existing.  That is not why you’re here.
            But is it who you are?  If you’re asking this it means you are thinking about it.  It proves you want to change your self,  your mind,  your rubber pants.  Will you change everything?   Absolutely not.  You will take your inside and proudly show it to all who are watching your outside.  In so doing you will reveal the you that is really you.
            So, which you is the real you?  Are you the you on the inside, yearning to get out or the you on the outside, counting your freckles?  Most people are somewhere in between Liza Minnelli flamboyantly singing Cabaret and Seymour at the diner who never looks up except to say “Patty Melt”. 
            How do you know which you is you?  You have to ask yourself.  You have to keep asking yourself, over and over again until the answer hits you like a high kick to the chops.  When your jaw gets sore, you’ll be on your way.  But on your way to where?  Exactly.   

NEXT TIME: When you're at the grocery store

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Case Study: Tom Trapshut

MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

     The sad case of Tom Trapshut is a perfect example of why we all need to constantly ask ourselves who we are and why we are here.

     Tom seemed like someone who had it all.  He had a great job selling coconuts to wild pigs in Hawaii.  He had a beautiful wife who loved him and wanted to spend all their time together in bed or having sex on the beach.  He had a beautiful house, beautiful children, and a beautiful set of those fancy hubcaps that spin and play music.  What more could he have possibly wanted?  Tom's problem was that he wanted to be perfect, an age old set up for failure.  If you can't be happy unless you are perfect you will never be happy because nobody can be perfect.  If he made one little mistake he would beat himself up.
     Soon, his beautiful wife got tired of trying to make love to a man with self-inflicted black eyes.  She grew weary of hearing him squeal with pain every time she attempted to kiss his swollen lips.  His beautiful children couldn't stand to watch their father kick his own butt after taking the wrong prescription or putting too much beef on his wellington.  He even lost those beautiful hubcaps.

     One day, after giving himself a particularly savage drubbing, the family dog was so scared by Tom's swollen and bloody face that Sparky started barking and wouldn't stop until Tom left.  So, Tom wandered the jungles and rainforests of his beloved island home, dazed and confused, wondering where it had all gone wrong.

     Tired, hungry, and badly in need of a deworming, he came upon a discovery that might have changed the world.  In a small pool of rain water he could see a glint of golden light shimmering beneath the surface.  He reached in and pulled out a small, metal package shaped like a canteen.  There was a note attached that said, "Drink from me and the world shall live in peace for a million years."

     Tom was so excited he didn't know what to do.  He was afraid to drink from it himself, fearing he wouldn't do it right and would somehow screw up the power of the golden canteen.  Brimming with excitement and boundless joy, he sprinted to the highway to flag down an oncoming car.  Unfortunately, an 18-wheeler flattened him. 

     The canteen was shattered and, with it, all hope for worldwide harmony, benevolence, and tranquility. Tom had it all but lost it all because good was never good enough.  And because he failed to look both ways.

     Tom never figured out who he was or why he was here.

NEXT TIME:  Perfect times to ask yourself, "Who am I and why am I here?"

Friday, August 5, 2011

Who am I? Why am I here? What difference does it make?

MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

     You're asking who you are, why you're here, and what difference does it make?  Well, let me tell you something, Bub.  It makes a lot of difference.  It's the difference between going to bed and going to school.  Between going to dinner and going to the woodshed.  Between going to a lost, barren land or the City of Good Pie.  The fork in the road is right in front of you, right there on the table.  So, grab it.  No, not that one.  That's the salad fork.

     Remember, we are all here for a reason.  Well, we're not all here for the same reason. If someone says "we're all here for a reason" that's only one reason and that's not enough for everybody.  You have to find your own reason.  It's not your job to find all the reasons why everybody else is here.  That could take forever and the money you spend on parking alone could leave you bankrupt.  I'm pretty sure going bankrupt is not the reason  you're here.  Although it could be, depending on the stock market and  how many politicians you own. 
     Maybe you're here to help others who are less fortunate.  Maybe you're here to accept help from those who are more fortunate.  Maybe you're here to compose the perfect haiku.  You won't know the answer until you ask yourself the question and keep asking yourself the question every single day.

NEXT TIME:  Case Study - Tom Trapshut

(The next blog will appear on Thursday, August 11, 2011)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Body Language

The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

            Before you can expect to know and understand yourself you will have to understand others.  That means tuning in to all their quirks, contradictions, and personality disorders.  One of the best and fastest ways to do this is through the study of body language.  The language of the body is something we are all subjected to each and every day.  But how many of us are truly able hear what is being said?   The following examples will help you to realize that understanding others is how you will understand yourself.

 1. Sitting with arms crossed means he's feeling defensive.

2. Sitting with legs crossed means she's feeling comfortable.

3. Sitting with eyes crossed means his mother was right about his face getting stuck that way.

4. Chewing on his pencil means he did not have a good breakfast.

5. Standing on a corner twirling a sign means she lacks job search skills.

6. Biting  her fingernails at the office means she has no sense of decorum.

7. Biting his toenails at the office means he has no sense of smell.

8. Wearing a fedora to bed means he wishes he was Indiana Jones.

9. Wearing a raincoat to bed means she likes to sleep with the windows open.

10. Wearing Batman pajamas to bed means he's under the age of seven.

11. Wearing Batman pajamas in the barracks means he will get beat up.

12. Taking pictures of himself in the shower means he's Brett Favre.

13. Taking pictures of himself in the barracks shower means he will get beat up.

14. Wearing cowboy boots in the shower means she has a fungus phobia.

15. Dressing up a rubber chicken, naming it Sophie, and taking pictures of the two of them together in the shower means he's a member of Congress.

NEXT TIME: Who am I?  Why am I here?  What difference does it make?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Knowing Yourself

MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help gurus

                    "Who are you if you are not Hugh?"
                                                                          Grant Jackman

     Before you can know what to do you must get to know yourself.  Set up a date with yourself.  But no speed dating. Don't go someplace with six tables where six of your selves are sitting. You'll be charming and inquisitive, but at the end of the evening you will cross yourself off your list of potential dates.  And don't join an online dating service seeking yourself.   You will only waste time reading all of your own profiles and sending out countless emails to your selves.  Then you will wait for months while none of them respond except those without a picture.

     You must not be afraid to ask yourself personal questions. The answers may be buried so far down, deep inside yourself that they will never come out, even for a double hot fudge sundae.  But you must ask.  Ask yourself questions about topics you have never talked about with anyone.  Ask yourself questions about things that don't even exist.  If you can do that you can do anything.  Except for the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle.  But that's okay, nobody has ever finished one of those, anyway.

     Don't be afraid of asking yourself for help from yourself.  Who is better qualified to help you than you?  If you need extra money, I'm sure you would be more than happy to go to the ATM and make a withdrawal.  If you need a ride somewhere, who better to call on than you.  If you need Super Bowl tickets, get me some, too.

     You can't really go anywhere unless you know how to get there.  If you don't know how to get to the theater how will you be able to see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie?  Okay, that's a bad example.  You can always see them at the grocery checkout counter along with bat boy and that guy who wears a beard made of bees.  But listen, if you don't know the way, you will never get to the final destination of your destiny.  You will never find the happiness of being happily happy.  The exit ramp will be calling but you won't see the sign.  The next thing you know your car will have a flat tire in Moosehead and all of your thoughts and feelings will have been stomped to a bloody pulp by Bullwinkle.

     It is also true that you can't go anywhere unless you know where you are going.  Are you going to the inner reaches of your mind to find true truthfulness?  Are you going to the spirituality of your spirit to find pure peacefulness?  Are you going to Houston?  It matters not where you are going just as long as someone has directions.

     Are you going someplace you really want to go?  Or are you going somewhere else on the way to where you want to go?  Each destination, when you get there, will lead you to another.  If your most important destination is the couch, you have a lot of work to do.

NEXT TIME:  Body Language

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Understanding Yourself: A Questionnaire

MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help gurus

     Before you take the first step on your quest toward finding the happiness of being happily happy, you must discover some of the elements hiding below your surface.  The following questionnaire will help you gain a better understanding of yourself, your frame of mind, and why you spend half of each day chewing on carpet remnants.

                                For each statement
 Mark 1 for strongly agree   2 for agree   3 for disagree   4 for strongly disagree

__I have difficulty giving others their personal space.
__Waiting my turn is not fair.
__I often eat things that are not food.
__When the judge asks me a question I prefer to answer in song.
__On several occasions I have been arrested for improper use of poultry.
__My favorite spectator sports are chess, cigar smoking, and competitive showering.
__My favorite hobby is election fraud.
__I am obsessed with my uvula.
__It is always a good idea to rob a liquor store.
__Most of my misfortunes are caused by Mel Gibson.
__I enjoy playing football without a helmet.
__My favorite side dish is fiberglass.
__I allow my dog to sleep in my bed.
__When my dog is sleeping in my bed he allows me to sleep in his.
__I enjoy having sex without a helmet.
__Bathing is optional
__I enjoy having heated discussions with barnyard animals.
__Most of my misfortunes are caused by Mel Gibson and space aliens having sex without wearing their helmets.
__The government should provide people with basic necessities such as food, clothing, and a moustache.
__I am fascinated by things that ooze.

If you scored between zero and 19 you don't follow directions worth a shit.

Score of 20:  It's a danger to society that you are walking among other humans.  The fact that you were able to hold a pencil long enough to write a number in each blank is a miracle.  Check yourself in to a hospital immediately.

Score of 21-40:  You are aimlessly wandering the planet in search of a chimp named Mikey.

Score of 41-59:  You agree or disagree with everything and, as such, are totally confused.  If there had been a question asking your name you wouldn't have known what to write. 

Score of 60-80:  You disagree or strongly disagree with every statement. At your core you are disagreeable.

NEXT TIME:  Knowing Yourself

Monday, August 1, 2011

Your Existence

    MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR. B. D. SEPTIVE - The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

      Mounds of statistics from universities like Pappyville College, Mahoney State, and the University of Plaid show that 40% of you are unhappy, 38% of you are somewhat unhappy, 9% of you feel like you could be happy under the right circumstances and the rest of you spend half of each day lying down on the railroad tracks.  You're convinced nobody likes you and nobody ever will.  You have called yourself a victim, a slag heap, and a wretched waste of protoplasm.    

     You won't even play Solitaire with yourself.  You're sick and tired of hearing yourself spout the same old complaints about how your boss is a jerk, your spouse is a creep, and your dog gets more Valentine cards than you do.  Sometimes I think you're just looking for an excuse to be unhappy.  You can always blame your unhappiness on something else like your income, your neighbor's llama, or that huge pile of whatever you just sat in. 

     The easiest thing to do is nothing.  That's what you've been doing.  Doing nothing has not helped and you're ready to try something else.  Welcome to something else.  My soul searching mind exercises will make you talk to yourself in ways you never have before; ways much different from that time you stood on the railing of the suspension bridge for half an hour.  If Officer Spasmodic hadn't arrived when he did you might have been flounder food.  But that didn't happen.  You're here, you're alive and you've discovered this great blog.  That puts you in a very good place.

     Oh, sure, there are lots of people out there who are in a very good place besides you.  Look out the window.  There must be thousands of people who are in a better place than you, maybe millions. But you don't see them bragging about it, do you?  You know why not?  Because you don't know any of them and they've never spoken to you.  If you knew all those people walking past the window you would see that about half of them are as bad as you or worse.

     But what about the others; the ones who don't look at the mirror and start crying?  Why don't you just ask one of them their secret to happiness?  By asking their secret you could make a new friend, a coffee mate, or just arouse suspicion.  After all, what kind of nut case goes up to people he doesn't know and asks such questions?  So when you walk over to her, stand up straight and take your hands out of your pockets.  Wave, so she will see you don't have any weapons, and, whatever you do, don't violate your parole.  The person you ask might look at you funny, call a cop, or just run away.  Therein lies your first lesson. And just exactly what did you learn?  Only you know the answer.         

NEXT TIME: Doctor Septive's questionnaire to help you better understand yourself.