Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Understanding Yourself: A Questionnaire

MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help gurus

     Before you take the first step on your quest toward finding the happiness of being happily happy, you must discover some of the elements hiding below your surface.  The following questionnaire will help you gain a better understanding of yourself, your frame of mind, and why you spend half of each day chewing on carpet remnants.

                                For each statement
 Mark 1 for strongly agree   2 for agree   3 for disagree   4 for strongly disagree

__I have difficulty giving others their personal space.
__Waiting my turn is not fair.
__I often eat things that are not food.
__When the judge asks me a question I prefer to answer in song.
__On several occasions I have been arrested for improper use of poultry.
__My favorite spectator sports are chess, cigar smoking, and competitive showering.
__My favorite hobby is election fraud.
__I am obsessed with my uvula.
__It is always a good idea to rob a liquor store.
__Most of my misfortunes are caused by Mel Gibson.
__I enjoy playing football without a helmet.
__My favorite side dish is fiberglass.
__I allow my dog to sleep in my bed.
__When my dog is sleeping in my bed he allows me to sleep in his.
__I enjoy having sex without a helmet.
__Bathing is optional
__I enjoy having heated discussions with barnyard animals.
__Most of my misfortunes are caused by Mel Gibson and space aliens having sex without wearing their helmets.
__The government should provide people with basic necessities such as food, clothing, and a moustache.
__I am fascinated by things that ooze.

If you scored between zero and 19 you don't follow directions worth a shit.

Score of 20:  It's a danger to society that you are walking among other humans.  The fact that you were able to hold a pencil long enough to write a number in each blank is a miracle.  Check yourself in to a hospital immediately.

Score of 21-40:  You are aimlessly wandering the planet in search of a chimp named Mikey.

Score of 41-59:  You agree or disagree with everything and, as such, are totally confused.  If there had been a question asking your name you wouldn't have known what to write. 

Score of 60-80:  You disagree or strongly disagree with every statement. At your core you are disagreeable.

NEXT TIME:  Knowing Yourself


Julie said...

Ooze!!! I love ooze. Is there something wrong with me?

Dave Kelley said...

Doctor Septive thinks it's fine to love ooze as long as you are not fascinated by it.

Julie said...

Toothpaste ooze, jelly ooze, shampoo ooze .. . it's all very clean ooze. But mud, festering sores, soft dog poop, well, that's the "dark side" of ooze.

Dave Kelley said...

Congratulations. You are definitely fascinated with things that ooze.