Friday, August 26, 2011

When you are watching someone eat an entire birthday cake by herself then listening to her complain about her weight

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all the Self-Help Gurus

You must ask yourself, "Why am I here and why didn't she at least give me one little piece?  And whose  birthday cake did she eat, anyway?  If it's her own, you'll have to let it go.  It's her cake and she can do with it as she pleases.  If it's your birthday cake you are well within your rights to stop her after the third piece or, when she's done, punch her in the gut.  You may be asking how I, as the author of this blog, can advocate the use of physical violence but it's really not that simple.

If she is capable of eating an entire birthday cake she is probably a very large person.  If she has the balls to eat your own birthday cake right in front of you she will not stop just because you ask her to.  Her physical size combined with her sheer rudeness justify any action you must take to protect yourself and what is yours. If you sit idly by and let enormous and enormously rude people walk all over you, they surely will.

But you still must ask yourself why you are there in the first place.  Why would you be in the company of someone who is so crass and has no regard for your feelings?  Could it be because you haven't asked yourself enough of the hard questions?  Could it be that you are afraid of the answers you might give yourself?  Could it be because she's your mother-in-law?

So, who are you in this situation?   Are you mousy, soft-spoken waif who won't stand up for herself but ultimately offers her guest a cup of hot hemlock in a classic demonstration of being passive/aggressive?  Or are you the take charge woman enabled by the determination to plot her own destiny who says, "Gimme some cake, bitch!"  Will you say that with such authority that your so-called friend, with icing on her face, will drop her fork and look at you with a respect you've never seen from her?  A look she reserves only for the ice cream man or a cruise ship buffet?

Only you know the answers to these questions. But you cannot discover the answers unless you are willing to ask.  Keep asking and keep listening.  The answers will come.

NEXT TIME: When you're watching Oprah

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