Friday, September 2, 2011

When you're watching Oprah

FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

            You must ask yourself, “Why am I here?  Don’t I have anything better to do than watch some overpaid celebrity jump up and down on Oprah’s couch?”   But the real question is why are you sitting there on your own couch?  Why are you listening to people you don’t know, don’t care about, and will never meet when you could be doing something productive like painting, jogging, or competitive eating?
            Are you asking yourself how you can be more like Oprah?  That’s easy.  Publish a monthly magazine and put your own picture on every cover.  Anybody can do that and it doesn’t get you one millimeter closer to answering the questions “Who am I and why am I here?”  Oprah has so much money she probably uses it to wipe her ass.  So you shouldn’t be asking yourself, “How can I be more like Oprah?”  You should be asking yourself how to get to the highest level of your existence; the most desirable level; the level where it is somehow appropriate to use currency as toilet paper. 
            The only way to find out the answer is the same way you find the answer to anything and everything in your life.  You still don’t know yourself well enough to answer your number one question.  You probably haven’t even played Gin with yourself or taken in a play, a movie, or a handsome stranger.  All these experiences are key to your own self-discovery.  Not just these experiences, but all your experiences.  It is not up to the author of this or any other blog to tell you what your life experiences should be.  It is up to the author of this blog to help you ask yourself the right questions so you can find yourself.  And when you find yourself you must determine exactly how you got there.  
When you’re reading the paper about the latest government official to get caught in a sex scandal

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