MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The self-helpiest of all self-help gurus
You must ask yourself, “Why am I here and why did so many people vote for this schmuck who was caught having a day to day tete-a-tete with a 16-year-old team leader at Chuckie Cheese? When things like this happen it’s perfectly normal to wonder how the world got to the point where people we elect shoot liquid methamphetamine into their eyelids or have relations with groups of incarcerated marsupials. At times like this, even the politicians will ask, “Why couldn’t those costumed strumpets just play their trumpets?”
They are all on the wrong road, the road paved with selfishness and greed instead of inner peace and procrastination. They’re on the road that winds its way to the back entrance of the steaming cesspool. That’s not your road. Your road is the one where you can see all the Puffer bellies standing in a row.
So you have to ask yourself, “Who am I?” Am I me or am I an elected official who wants to have all the money in the world so I can employ my own personal sex slaves for nine cents a night? Or am I the me who wishes I could be that elected official’s traveling secretary? Well, be careful what you wish for because you might get it along with something else that won’t go away without extra-strength antibiotics. You see, you have started to ask yourself about yourself in a deeper way than just asking who you are. You have begun to ask yourself who you are not.
NEXT TIME: When you're making love with someone or all by yourself
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