Thursday, August 11, 2011

Case Study: Tom Trapshut

MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

     The sad case of Tom Trapshut is a perfect example of why we all need to constantly ask ourselves who we are and why we are here.

     Tom seemed like someone who had it all.  He had a great job selling coconuts to wild pigs in Hawaii.  He had a beautiful wife who loved him and wanted to spend all their time together in bed or having sex on the beach.  He had a beautiful house, beautiful children, and a beautiful set of those fancy hubcaps that spin and play music.  What more could he have possibly wanted?  Tom's problem was that he wanted to be perfect, an age old set up for failure.  If you can't be happy unless you are perfect you will never be happy because nobody can be perfect.  If he made one little mistake he would beat himself up.
     Soon, his beautiful wife got tired of trying to make love to a man with self-inflicted black eyes.  She grew weary of hearing him squeal with pain every time she attempted to kiss his swollen lips.  His beautiful children couldn't stand to watch their father kick his own butt after taking the wrong prescription or putting too much beef on his wellington.  He even lost those beautiful hubcaps.

     One day, after giving himself a particularly savage drubbing, the family dog was so scared by Tom's swollen and bloody face that Sparky started barking and wouldn't stop until Tom left.  So, Tom wandered the jungles and rainforests of his beloved island home, dazed and confused, wondering where it had all gone wrong.

     Tired, hungry, and badly in need of a deworming, he came upon a discovery that might have changed the world.  In a small pool of rain water he could see a glint of golden light shimmering beneath the surface.  He reached in and pulled out a small, metal package shaped like a canteen.  There was a note attached that said, "Drink from me and the world shall live in peace for a million years."

     Tom was so excited he didn't know what to do.  He was afraid to drink from it himself, fearing he wouldn't do it right and would somehow screw up the power of the golden canteen.  Brimming with excitement and boundless joy, he sprinted to the highway to flag down an oncoming car.  Unfortunately, an 18-wheeler flattened him. 

     The canteen was shattered and, with it, all hope for worldwide harmony, benevolence, and tranquility. Tom had it all but lost it all because good was never good enough.  And because he failed to look both ways.

     Tom never figured out who he was or why he was here.

NEXT TIME:  Perfect times to ask yourself, "Who am I and why am I here?"

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