When you are watching your children sleep

 FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all the Self-Help Gurus

            You must ask yourself, “Why am I here watching little Trudy and Bobo as they slog through dreamland?”  Is it because they look so cute and innocent after climbing all over you for the past four hours?  Or is it because you’re using them as an excuse to avoid being alone with your spouse?  When was the last time he told you he loves you, anyway?  You cook and clean and pick up his disgusting, smelly cigar butts and what thanks do you get?  A beer recipe book for Christmas, that’s what.  Well, maybe it’s time for him to ask himself, “Why am I here?”  But that’s him and you’re you.  Let’s concentrate on you.

            It may be true that sometimes he controls what you do.  That’s only because he’s a selfish, manipulating narcissist with no clue about how to please anyone but himself.  That’s why he’s not standing next to you watching cute little Trudy and Bobo.  Instead, he’s eating Cheetos and watching the Big Boobs Channel while wondering if his Ponzi scheme will be exposed before he can arrange his flight to the Caymans.  But take heart.  You’re you and you are in your own hands.  The question you should be asking yourself is, “Why am I here in this dead-end marriage with a belching, hairy ape who calls himself Jimbo?”  Shouldn’t he be a Jim by now?  Or a James? 

            If you had a better grasp of who you are you would know why you are here.   Maybe your father was a belching, hairy ape and you grew up believing that’s how boys are supposed to behave.  Perhaps your mother let everyone walk all over her and you grew up believing that’s how girls are supposed to behave.  Perhaps you’re plotting his demise even as you read this and no amount of reason or introspection will stop you from pouring the deadly powder into his malt liquor.  I don’t’ know.  I’m only guessing.  You are the one who needs to ask, “Who am I” because you are the only one who can answer that question.

            The answers to all these questions can be found by looking inward, into the mind, body, and spirit of yourself.  You may ask, “How do I look into my spirit?  Isn’t that a bit abstract?”  And to that, I say; “Now you’re getting it.”

NEXT TIME: Talking Politics or Religion with Someone Who is a Moron