tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7507257617487342392024-02-20T01:01:09.576-08:00Honk If Your Horn WorksHow To Be Happily HappyDave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-5948000611484690642012-11-20T16:04:00.002-08:002012-11-20T16:04:29.578-08:00Let's Give Thanks<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> During the Thanksgiving holiday let's all
get down on our knees and give thanks that we only have to see our
relatives at one Thanksgiving dinner a year. I feel this is a good time for a
little self-evaluation so I'll start with me.</span> </span>.</div>
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There I will sit, squeezed into a tiny chair at the little table,
an exile among my cousins and other poster children for dysfunction.
Along with my fellow outcasts, I will watch with dismay as the twins, Wanda and
Sookie, stuff peas up their noses. Never mind they learned the trick
from me. And never mind they are forty-five
and have done a lot more unconventional things with legumes. I have the
photos to prove it but, that’s not the point. </div>
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From the moment I walk in, Aunt Priscilla and Uncle Puget will treat me like the
same little boy who used to fashion balloon animals from his umbilical
cord. The fact that my mother (their sister) saved the cord gives you a
taste of what I’ve been up against all these years. My aunt and uncle
have no clue as to what is normal but they’re pretty sure I’m not it.
That’s rich coming from those two seeing as how my mom is sister to both of
them.</div>
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I have decided it is high time I stood up to Aunt Priscilla and told her I expect
to be treated like an adult. I will make it known that I am tired of having
to eat with a plastic spork and being trusted with nothing sharper than a
banana. I will be assertive and she will respect me for acting like a man.
Later, I will be sure to ask nicely when I need her to cut up my turkey meat. </div>
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As for Uncle Puget, I may never win him over. How can I expect a
73-year-old with a plate in his head to understand what a kind and sensitive
person I am? He thinks kindness is when he finishes in the bathroom
without using all the toilet paper. Engaging in conversation with him is
a constant frustration, mostly because he keeps his hearing aid turned
off. Besides, the only issue he will talk about is how French women have
ruined the world with their hairy, smelly armpits. </div>
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But that’s who Uncle Puget is and he’s proud of it. So I have made a decision
to be proud of what I am and who I am. From now on I will be myself and
not worry about it. Unfortunately, I am forever linked
to this group of derailed lunatics who think it's acceptable to drink
straight from the gravy boat.</div>
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Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-66590636342120031462012-11-15T16:28:00.000-08:002012-11-15T16:28:19.695-08:00Being What You Want Him to Be<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It is time to learn how to
find someone worthy of your love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What do you want that person to be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t mean do you want him to be a cowboy, a fireman, or an inflatable
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.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What kind of a man do you want?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Only you can answer that question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Remember, there is no wrong answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you want an affectionate man who is honest and sober, that’s just as
valid as wanting a man whose hobby is watching TV when it’s not turned on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s valid because that’s what you want and
only you know the you that is really you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, only you can decide what you want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Give the matter careful consideration because the qualities you seek are
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span>If you want your
man to be patient, you should work on being more patient yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you would like him to be a good
conversationalist that is something you should be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you want him to wear women’s underwear,
you should wear women’s underwear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you want him to be black, be black yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you’re looking for a socially
retarded, naked, weapons salesman who is incarcerated because he was found
lying in an alley with more drugs in his system than Elvis on a bad hair day,
you know what to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s all so
easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s all up to you.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br />
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Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-21191481462030897222012-10-03T13:57:00.002-07:002012-10-03T13:57:44.342-07:00Loving Yourself<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b>Most of us love to make
love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you love to make love, you
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confused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not talking about making
love <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">by</i> yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a whole different box of tissues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean make yourself feel like a royal
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the water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take off your clothes and
feel the relaxation as it washes over you, engulfing you with all its comfort,
all its pleasures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feel the steam rising
up through your nostrils and your privates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now, stop standing over the tea kettle and get in the tub.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If
it’s a tub with feet give yourself and your bathtub a pedicure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Paint your toenails with a nice, vibrant neon
color, perhaps Azure, Orchid, or Rutabaga.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Doesn’t it feel sensual to have the same color toenails as your
tub?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re darn tootin’ it does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course you’ll have to be very careful not
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outside the tub at a 45 degree angle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Comfy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps you could have a candlelit dinner
delivered to your bathroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ll not
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squab but it’s a sure bet you’ll get a big tip from the delivery boy. <span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span>Now it’s time to
tell yourself how much you love you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Speak passionately about your long, wet, soapy hair and all the dark
orange discharge under your fingernails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Turn on some soft jazz or Motley Crue and make up a poem about all the
traits that make you a perfect mate such as your engaging charm, your silky
skin, and your acne in the shape of a Leprechaun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talk about your wonderful personality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, talk about both of your wonderful
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various establishments without offering payment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now
that you’ve sweet talked yourself into a blissful state of delight, you’re
ready to ask yourself a very important question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look right in the mirror, straight into those
big yellow eyes of yours and say, “My lovely, would you mind if I turn on the
video camera?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promise nobody will ever
see it but us.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your answer will tell
you a lot about how much you trust yourself and those around you, if you ever
get to the point where there actually are others around you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>One
of my first patients couldn’t figure out how to love herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She simply did not feel ready for that kind
of a commitment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had a long talk
with herself and finally said, “Look, it’s not me, it’s me.”<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b>This is very common.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Usually, one of you feels a little
differently about the relationship than the other one of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I’m proud to say she worked through her differences with
herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After many hot baths, long
conversations, and a few stitches, they began to see the good in each
other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The same joyful results can be
yours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you have to make it
happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember, you are in charge.</div>
</div>
Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-73803556853665677812012-09-12T13:02:00.004-07:002012-09-12T13:02:45.799-07:00Meaning<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-58870899167633448442012-09-11T09:00:00.002-07:002012-09-11T09:00:06.475-07:00Visualization<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>To get the most out of
any visualization experience you must be willing to use all your senses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s say you’re in the parking lot,
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discolored teeth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grasp the hand he
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</span>Hear his voice that betrays a heavy use of cigarettes and cheap
whiskey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Smell the room and gently take
in the distinct aromas of stale air freshener, freshly cut plastic flowers, and
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of your pen and write the following in your notebook; “I would rather work in
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Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-83666139861353754102012-08-29T16:00:00.000-07:002012-08-29T16:00:56.468-07:00Your Personal Spirit<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></b><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">You should start thinking about your
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Or will yours be a
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Maybe your spirit could
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Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-83290967942268980902012-08-27T15:06:00.002-07:002012-08-27T15:06:16.029-07:00More on Karma<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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If something bad happened to you yesterday
it’s because you did something bad yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you can’t remember doing anything bad then it happened in a previous
life, or a small part of your brain may have been removed when you weren’t
paying attention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In 1975 Vladimir
Borshamoy wrote about a very interesting phenomenon concerning small parts of
people’s brains being removed through their pants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the scientific world this phenomenon is
known as cranial flatulence or, in layman’s terms, brain fart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Typically, these occur while giving
presentations to important clients or during political debates.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>On
the other hand, if something good happened to you it is because you did
something good and the universe has sent some goodness back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you can’t remember doing something good
then it happened during a previous life or when you were removing part of
someone’s brain through their pants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Let’s say you are a really rotten guy, a child molester or a CEO who
closed a factory so he could build it somewhere that people work for twelve
cents an hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If good things keep
happening to you over and over again, it’s because of all the good stuff you
did when you were living in ancient Greece working in the livery stable with
Constantine Papasopoulos.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So,
here’s the deal and it’s a pretty good deal for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you want good things to happen, just do
some good things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see, the more you
give, the more you get.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, it’s
possible that you can do a million nice things and nothing good will happen to
you until your next life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what have
you got to lose?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it going to hurt you
to be nice to Cousin Commando, even though he has made no secret of all the
different ways he wants to kill you in your sleep?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Besides, wait until his next life when he’s
an aardvark in Botswana being chased by a 600 pound lion or swallowed whole by
a python.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who will be smiling then?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, you better not be smiling about
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you do, the karma universe genie
will smite you with something terrible like a huge boil on your face or an
afternoon with a Scientologist.</div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So,
the point of all this is that if you can’t be bothered to do something nice for
someone unless you get something in return, stop worrying. The universe will
send it back to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s because the
universe is always at your beck and call because you deserve it.</div>
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<br /></div>
</div>
Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-11619598501770437442012-08-26T10:38:00.002-07:002012-08-26T10:38:43.526-07:00Karma<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b>Of course, there is good karma
and bad karma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is also instant
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from a burning car or a destructive relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bad karma is when you release a wolf to chase
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>In
dealings with karma, the universe is your friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you put out good stuff, good stuff comes
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get smacked in the head with a crowbar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The universe is the world’s great scorekeeper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It keeps track of all the stuff, good or bad,
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a few years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mostly, it depends on
postal rates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
</div>
Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-9056016846373882582012-08-24T09:06:00.000-07:002012-08-24T09:06:07.300-07:00Discovering Your Spirituality<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>After meditating you
will be relaxed and feeling better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
what does it have to do with your spirituality?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What you are feeling
is the process of being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re not
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</span>Remember, only you can think the thoughts you are thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And only you know the thoughts that you are
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thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are your first steps
toward realizing there’s a power greater than yourself; that and the bill
collectors who won’t stop calling.</span></div>
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Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-52628641443466734542012-07-19T11:56:00.001-07:002012-07-19T11:56:47.109-07:00Life Lessons From Giorgio<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b>Giorgio (not his real name) is happier than anyone
I have ever met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His story is one of
courage, perseverance, and overcoming adversity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shortly after Giorgio was born he found himself
wrapped in a plastic bag in a dumpster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because Giorgio was a baby, he cried. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he had known another way to communicate,
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explosives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But crying was his
alarm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gloria heard his cries, found
him, and took him to a nearby fire station.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because Giorgio was not ablaze, Gloria was told to “Take that screaming
kid somewhere else!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b>So, Gloria took him back to the
dumpster near her home, the cardboard box.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She took care of Giorgio, fed him, found clothes for him in other
dumpsters, and raised him to be a healthy, caring, little boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soon, Giorgio began wondering why none of his
friends lived in cardboard boxes like his.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The other kids’ cardboard boxes were much nicer and some were even lined
with butcher paper, rat fur, or underpants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Gloria always did her best to explain but Giorgio understood she had
nothing to give him except her love.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b>When Giorgio was
eight-years-old, Gloria died from a rare toenail disease. Giorgio missed his
mother deeply and sank into a dark, troubling depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He hated the world for taking Gloria away
from him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was the reason he was
alive, the reason he was a nice kid, the reason he had a pet cockroach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Giorgio began drinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Day after day, glass after glass of chocolate
milk drowned his pain until he went to sleep, each night, with a bellyache; a
bellyache that was his heartache.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b>With only his pet cockroach
Scrunchy to keep him company, Giorgio ran away. He found his way to Rico’s
Boxing Gym in Baldspot, Wisconsin where he became the sparring partner for up
and coming fighters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As you can imagine,
Giorgio, being only eight years old, took quite a beating every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of his baby teeth were knocked out and
his nose was broken several times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At
the age of nine he won Baldspot’s “Ugliest Man Contest” and cherished his
prize, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a lifetime supply of Oil of
Olay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b>But, through it all, Giorgio
continued to look on the bright side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Today he is a grown man with a wife and kids who have dreams,
aspirations, and broken noses of their own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Is he happy because he’s had such a great life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Absolutely not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is he happy because all the concussions have
damaged his brain to the point where he thinks everything is funny?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But the real reason he is happy is because he made a decision to be
happy, regardless of his circumstances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Oh, how much we could all learn from Giorgio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
</div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-32858118683126023762012-06-29T13:00:00.000-07:002012-06-29T13:03:21.249-07:00Eat Something Organic<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-size: 24pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></i></div>
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I
know it costs more, but it’s worth it.
It tastes a lot better and it’s much less harmful to Mother Earth. But why do we say Mother Earth? Why not Father Earth, Grandma Earth, or Crazy
Uncle Twisted Earth who lives in the root cellar because it's closer to
Hell? If his greatest desire is to sit a few steps up the staircase from eternal fire and damnation I suppose that’s his own business. But must he continually create
Hell on Earth for those around him? Next
time you go down there, ask why he insists on chewing tobacco and spitting the
juice on the wall. And don’t buy his
stupid story about creating an abstract expressionist painting of Custer’s Last
Stand. He knows full well Custer never
wore a top hat and tails on the battlefield.</div>
</div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-7135690623262000532012-03-02T17:27:00.000-08:002012-03-02T17:27:06.470-08:00The Person Who Used Someone Else’s Picture in Their Online Profile<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/> <w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div style="border-bottom: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; border: none; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;"> <div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">From the Desk of Doctor B. D. Septive</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This poor, ugly, dimwitted person with the low self-esteem has come into your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though he may look like an escaped shock therapy patient or a deranged orangutan, he still took the initiative to post a profile online and represent himself with a picture of Pierce Brosnan. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he hadn’t done that you never would have met him and you would have missed out on the beauty of his inner being, his basic human frailty, and his undeniably fragrant diapers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He needs you and, even though it’s very difficult for you to stand near him for very long, you’ve witnessed how someone can overcome adversity and empower himself to be just as dishonest as any other online dating sight patron.</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA"> </span></b></div></div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-35358938468628523732012-02-28T07:53:00.000-08:002012-02-28T07:53:48.217-08:00Finding the Beauty in Gum Disease<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/> <w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div style="border-bottom: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; border: none; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Imagine all the beauty inherently present in a case of severe pyarea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Learn as you watch the miracle of science.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where else can you find so many different forms of bacteria that work together to produce the beautiful toxins that eat away at things like bone and gum tissue?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The way pyarea takes hold is a monument to cooperation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think of all the natural outcomes those bacteria can produce like bleeding, bad breath, and visible pus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If left untreated, the gums can actually pull away from the teeth and free themselves from you and your judgemental hygienist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your senses will be heightened with new experiences of intensified pain and the effects of narcotics that ultimately come to your rescue. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meanwhile, your liberated molars and bicuspids will</span><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"> be free to frolick on vacation</span><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">, make a necklace of themselves, or take in a lecture by your wisdom teeth.</span></div></div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-72062985291067526962012-02-18T16:02:00.000-08:002012-02-18T16:02:00.328-08:00Find the Beauty in Your Burned Down House<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/> <w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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</div></div></div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-24673685645655063242012-02-12T16:23:00.000-08:002012-02-12T16:23:53.321-08:00Find the Beauty in Your Colonoscopy<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/> <w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div style="border-bottom: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; border: none; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;"> <div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">From the Desk of Doctor B. D. Septive</span></b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; line-height: 200%; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><b><span lang="EN-CA">The Most Self-Helpiest of All Self-Help Gurus</span></b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><br />
</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></b><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">When it’s time for your colonoscopy you can forget about all the enemas or laxative preparation you had to go through to get yourself ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sit quietly and prepare yourself to answer the same questions five or six times about allergies, who will drive you home, and why you wear Spiderman boxers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Smile in your heart because the beautiful, powerful anaesthesia is on its way and, with it, your ticket to Hallucination City.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; line-height: 200%; padding: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Remember the last dream you experienced under the influence of hospital quality tranquilizers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was that doozy about Helga and her encounter with your roommate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, you remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the one where she said she would never see him again. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But she came over the next day, planted contraband in the sofa, and called the cops when your roommate was in the bathroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when the police arrived they arrested her because, wrapped around her neck was a live chinchilla.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Relax, reorganize, and enjoy the moment.</span></div></div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-16586233815691772292012-02-03T18:18:00.000-08:002012-02-03T18:18:48.560-08:00Find the Beauty in Your Flooded Basement<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:RelyOnVML/> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/> <w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<div style="border-bottom: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; border: none; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;"> <div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">From the Desk of Doctor B. D. Septive</span></b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; line-height: 200%; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><b><span lang="EN-CA">The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus</span></b><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>At first glance your flooded basement may cause you to think of a high priced visit from the plumber or your ruined boxes of counterfeit twenty dollar bills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you must look deeper. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Watch the waves and appreciate how they gently rock your flat screen TV as it floats by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Relish the submerged Indian rugs and predict what new patterns the water damage will create.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think of all the upcoming lazy afternoons when you and your nephew Stinky will share a soda and a fishing pole, while you try to catch all your expensive Beta fish before the toads can get them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div></div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-11476373383411158282012-01-28T18:16:00.000-08:002012-01-28T18:26:04.350-08:00Finding Beauty All Around You<div style="border-bottom: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; border: none; mso-element: para-border-div; padding: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in;"><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">From the Desk of Doctor B. D. Septive</span></b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; line-height: 200%; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-CA">The Most Self-Helpiest of All Self-Help Gurus</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; line-height: 200%; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; line-height: 200%; padding: 0in; text-align: center;"><b><span lang="EN-CA">Lint</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA"> </span></b><span lang="EN-CA">Put your hand in your pocket and pull out some lint. If there’s no lint in your pocket, check your bellybutton. Turn it over in your hand (the lint, not your bellybutton) and examine the fine texture of the threads, cloth, and yarn. Use your fingers to mold and shape it until you have a perfectly proportioned feline toupee and take it to Mr. Whiskers. When you get there, ask Mr. Whiskers if you can give it to his cat. You’ve created something from practically nothing, and made a gift for one of God’s creatures. He’ll love you for it and will thank you as only cats can. He will by rub against your ankles, purr on your lap, and use his finely sharpened claws to rip the leather off your Barco-Lounger.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA"></span><span lang="EN-CA"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">Grass</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA"> Look at the grass in the park and see how green, lush and perfect it is. It’s natural and it’s beautiful. Well, it’s not really natural. All the weeds have been poisoned and someone dumps tons of water on it every other day. Certainly, fertilizer enhances the color and makes it grow. Of course somebody has to mow it at least once a week, so it’s not really natural at all. On second thought, forget the grass in the park and go to an open field where grass and weeds live together in unspoken, unbroken harmony. Observe the delicate sway of leaves and stems in the soft autumn breeze. Think of the truly beautiful force of nature and watch as the plants are ripped from their roots and eaten by cattle or a rogue band of Pomeranians.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA"> </span><span lang="EN-CA"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA">The Other Kind of Grass</span></b><span lang="EN-CA"></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; line-height: 200%; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA"> Now go back to the park and take in all the beauty of the other kind of grass. Buy a bag or two from that guy named Liberty or his girlfriend, Cold Sore. Light it on fire and experience the beauty, peace, and herbal relaxation it brings to your mind, your imagination, your taste buds. Enjoy the laughter when it comes and encourage others to laugh along with you. There is no reason to explain why you are laughing. They’ll forget in about eight seconds anyway. Just take in all the beauty that floats by and feel it massage your multi-colored brain cells.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; line-height: 200%; padding: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border: medium none; line-height: 200%; padding: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA">NEXT TIME: Finding the beauty in your colonoscopy.</span></div></div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-67578126934810074592012-01-23T16:39:00.000-08:002012-01-24T12:34:07.845-08:00Finding the Spirit of Your Spirituality<div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: windowtext; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-element: para-border-div; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">“Your path through the universe is powered by your imaginary imagination.”</span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: windowtext; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-element: para-border-div; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in; text-align: center;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yogi Singhsong</span></i></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: windowtext; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-element: para-border-div; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: windowtext; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-element: para-border-div; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What you seek is an ultimate truth; something indisputable like “we are who we are”, or “women’s clothes always cost more than men’s”, or “Letterman is funnier than Leno.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And just exactly how do we go about finding such a truth?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are so many ways. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: windowtext; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-element: para-border-div; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: windowtext; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-element: para-border-div; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;">Find Beauty in the Everyday</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: windowtext; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-element: para-border-div; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"> There are countless things you don’t even notice that make every day on Earth a treasure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tune in to the experience and you will find beauty where you never saw it before.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: windowtext; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-element: para-border-div; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"><strong> Sunset or Mud Puddle</strong> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: windowtext; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-element: para-border-div; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><span lang="EN-CA" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-CA;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span> A sunset can certainly be holy as can cheese or undershirts. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If your undershirt doesn’t have any holes you will never get your head in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most people look at a mud puddle and see nothing but a medium brown swine pool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want you to think of that mud puddle as divine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If your chief rival falls into that mud puddle, it will be a divine experience for you, especially if you are both on the way to give an important presentation to the same billion dollar client.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your opponent can either be an hour late or he can go to the presentation looking like he slid head first into third base during a rain delay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That would be truly beautiful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
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NEXT TIME: Lint, grass, and the other kind of grass.</div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-71601162039805120152012-01-19T16:45:00.000-08:002012-01-19T16:45:31.289-08:00Feel the Wind in Your Hair<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"><strong>From the desk of Doctor B. D. Septive - The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If you still haven’t figured out who you are or why you’re here, try this exercise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is guaranteed to get you one step closer to your goal than the last step you took and one step farther away than the next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you listen, you shall hear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you look, you shall see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you smell, you shall be repulsed.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"></i></b></div><div style="border-bottom: windowtext 3pt dotted; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; mso-element: para-border-div; padding-bottom: 1pt; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Go outdoors and feel the wind in your hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it’s not a windy day, stand in front of a fan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, don’t just stand there; turn it on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If that’s too difficult, drive with your head out the window the way your Cocker Spaniel does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether it’s you or Princess driving with your heads out the window, please wear goggles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s nothing worse than having your eyes pummeled with bugs, pebbles, or dirty diapers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I understand few things are more interesting to a Cocker Spaniel than a dirty diaper but even a dog would rather not have that in her eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s hard enough to change lanes or make a right turn with your head out the window.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t try to do it in a poop mask.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>When you return home from your excursion, you and Princess should change places for the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can chase your tail for twenty-four hours straight and she can enjoy your furniture without listening to you obsess about shedding and muddy footprints.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that’s not all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With her sense of smell and your ability to spot potential mates, ponder the possibilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, while you talk to that cute guy you must resist the urge to lick.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0in 0in 1.0pt 0in; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; padding-bottom: 0in; padding-left: 0in; padding-right: 0in; padding-top: 0in;"><br />
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</div></div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-38783641142444316742012-01-08T18:29:00.000-08:002012-01-08T18:29:33.960-08:00Are Your Goals Achievable or Are They Ridiculous?<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">From the desk of Doctor B. D. Septive,</b></div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">the most self-helpiest of all self-help gurus. </b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You must think of where you are and where you want to go before you can answer this question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are in a college classroom and you want to be in the chair of Sony’s CEO, your goal is ridiculous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s preposterous to even entertain the notion you could have that job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if you just want to sit in his chair for a minute, it’s a longshot. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However if your goal is to sit in a chair and watch a Sony, I say go for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If your goal is not achievable it will lead to nothing but frustration, anger, and standing in front of a car dealership in a gorilla<span style="color: #00b0f0;"> </span>costume.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t expect to walk down the street of your pitifully insignificant life<span style="color: red;"> </span>and plop yourself into a position of such power and responsibility as Chief Executive Officer of a successful multi-national corporation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is unless you’re the current CEO’s offspring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that case you don’t really need to do anything except get expelled from military school and flunk out of Yale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When daddy gets tired of all the headaches that come with the job, he will hand it over to you and watch from a distance as you systematically wreck every piece of the company, a little bit at a time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He knows you pretty well and that’s why he will sell all his stock just before he announces your new position.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But since the great majority of you are not the offspring of a CEO you’ll have to do a lot of work and be pretty damn good at it to advance to such a position.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So unless you have eight or nine Pulitzer Prizes and have found a way to make gold from orange juice, stop with the unrealistic expectations, already.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You understand yourself better than anyone else, even if you don’t want to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know how cranky you get when you set a goal you can’t reach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You scream and throw popcorn at passersby or you climb into the pen with all the puppies until the mall cops throw you in the holding cell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that is truly a blessing in disguise because it is a perfect place to think, to reflect on how to set and achieve goals that are attainable to you and the voices that won’t leave you alone.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-45822103163089966592011-12-20T19:19:00.000-08:002011-12-20T19:19:19.621-08:00Make a List of Things Important to You<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; text-align: left;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">From the desk of Doctor B. D. Septive: The Most Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus </span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b>A list like this can help you to realize what you love and what you want to strive for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t be concerned with what others may think of your list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are the only one who has to see it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And don’t be afraid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fear can severely hamper your quest toward feeling the happiness of being happily happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here are the top six wishes of goal oriented people ranked in order of importance by the Bamboozle Institute of Greater Chicago.</div><ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;">To touch something soft without getting arrested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;">To go to the health club without entertaining thoughts of suicide.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="color: black;">A good work ethic as long as someone else does the work.</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;">To drive to the grocery store without having to flip somebody the bird.</li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;">To receive a birthday card from the boss with pictures of donkeys and security guards engaged in inappropriate activities; setting the stage for a harassment lawsuit even though he signed the card “Scooter” making it difficult to prove who sent it. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;">To touch something hard without getting arrested.</li>
</ol>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-12775135466917026662011-12-19T10:25:00.000-08:002011-12-20T19:09:44.723-08:00Don't Just Pick Any Goal<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">From the desk of Doctor B. D. Septive </b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></b>A goal has to be something that is important to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it’s important that you have attention or fame to fan your ever expanding ego, go for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just don’t come crying to me when your empty life is a shallow collection of drama classes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it’s important that you get away with things you shouldn’t be doing in the first place, every day will be its own challenge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, if you do get caught good luck at your new job in the prison laundry.<span style="color: red;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>If it’s important for you to endure increasingly painful forms of punishment, call your insurance company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Your goals depend upon you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who are you, what do you want, and why do you keep ringing my doorbell and running away? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get back here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t say it would be easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it’s important it’s never easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But so what? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t easy when you rode a bike for the first time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t easy when you switched tires with your neighbor when he was asleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t easy to convince Mable she should let you wear her prosthesis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If it’s important you can do it; you must do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So pay for your fried baloney sandwich and make your way out of the bus station. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only you can discover what is important to you because only you know the you that’s really you.</div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-8036152985526230542011-12-14T16:44:00.000-08:002011-12-14T16:44:12.245-08:00Don’t Give Up on Your Goals When Times Get Hard<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">From the Desk of Doctor B. D. Septive </b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This is when your goals become most important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Working toward what you want is the perfect way to take your mind off unpleasantness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, take that annoying family in your neighborhood that turned their backyard into a skeet shooting range.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next time you hear a shotgun blast accompanied by flying pellets, just remember the barbecue grill you’re building will get more than hot enough to liquefy clay, titanium, or a Dodge truck.<span style="color: red;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span>Think toward the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is nothing to be gained by dwelling on how many bits of exploding clay disc land in your swimming pool every half hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take those bits of clay and make clay lemonade.<span style="color: red;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>Use the opportunity to start a new hobby like night vision video surveillance, liquefying metal items for your catapult, or turning your own backyard into a bazooka range.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-13094848982481659112011-12-13T13:10:00.000-08:002011-12-14T16:39:13.399-08:00Set Mini-Goals That Help You Get What You Really Want<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="color: #00b0f0;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’s best to go after your big goal in short, easy steps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s say you want a girlfriend and you get one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next, you may want one with a bigger chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then one with a chest that’s real.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next you'll want a woman who doesn’t think sex is icky; then a woman with her own fingerprints.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>See how easy life becomes when you follow a logical progression?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep making improvements and refinements until you have exactly what you want. Working up to your goal in short, easy steps is the best way to take on new challenges and encourage yourself to grow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will force you to make a plan, meet deadlines, and stop wearing your wrestling outfit to the Home Owners Association meetings.<span style="color: red;"></span></div>Dave Kelleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12088945403398937664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750725761748734239.post-48305378565004144932011-12-09T12:39:00.000-08:002011-12-09T12:39:36.309-08:00GOALS Level Three<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Mostly Functional but May Snap at Any Time</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>These are the most dangerous people of all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They look normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They act normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of them smell normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, every once in a while, they reveal something that signals they are not normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you are one of them you should try to stop doing things that reveal the depth of your madness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>After a hard day of giving in to other people’s requests, you can’t throw the casserole at the wall just because someone asks you to put on some clothes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know you always let others get in line ahead of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that’s no reason to smash your head through a wall when the guy in front of you buys the last ticket.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the next time your neighbor wants to borrow your hedge clippers just say no instead of chasing him down the block in an attempt to cut off his winkie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you can perform these simple actions your life could turn off Weeping Willow Drive and onto Uncertain Avenue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From there, it’s only a few short blocks to Smile Street. <span style="color: black;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-pagination: widow-orphan;"><br />
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