When you are in a business meeting

  MORE FROM THE DESK OF DOCTOR B. D. SEPTIVE: The Self-Helpiest of all Self-Help Gurus

            You must ask yourself, “Why am I here?”  Is it to find a way to increase sales?  Is it to keep track of who’s late and who doesn’t show up so you can leave the boss an anonymous note telling him your chief rival is a slacker?  Is it to make sure you eat as much pastry as possible because you’ve been working your butt off for the company for 14 years and they’re paying you squat? 

            If you’re sick and tired of the company, ask your boss, “Why am I here?”   If you don't mind getting fired, ask your boss, “Why are you here, dipshit?”  You could probably leave off the “dipshit” part and still get fired but, as long as you’re getting canned, you might as well go all the way.  It may not be as good as punching his lights out.  But, after all, you don’t want to get arrested.  But keep the fantasy.  It’s healthy.

              If you want to be seen as a great leader and a man or woman of vision, stand up, silently look over all in attendance, and ask each of them to tell you why they are here.  At first, they will look down and try to avoid saying anything.  But, eventually, some kiss-ass will speak up and then it will be every man and woman for him or herself.  Pretty soon you’ll have a boatload of reasons and you can pick the best one as your own.  Your boss will think you’re brilliant and you haven’t actually done a damn thing. 

            But is that who you really are?  Are you the one who thinks of ways to get everyone else to do the work while you reap all the benefits?  If so, you are well on your way to a promising career as a CEO.  Drain your scotch and formaldehyde and order another one.  There's always room on the commuter train to Oblivion.