Wednesday, November 23, 2011

When you're eating Thanksgiving dinner with relatives you haven't seen in twenty years and after five minutes you realize why

Just who are you in this situation?  Are you 42-year-old Timmy sitting at the little table?  From the moment you walked in Aunt Priscilla and Uncle Puget treated you like the little boy who used to tie knots in his umbilical cord.  The fact that your mother (their sister) saved the cord gives you a taste of what you've been up against all these years.  It seems they have no clue as to what is normal but they're pretty sure you're not it.  That's rich coming from those two seeing as how your mother is sister to both of them.

Look at yourself, a divorced father of four and there you sit with all the other outcasts, watching the twins, Wanda and Sookie, stuff peas up their noses.  Never mind they learned the trick from you five minutes ago.  And never mind that they are also forty-two and have done a lot more unconventional things with legumes.  You have the pictures to prove it but that's not the point.

It's high time you stood up to Aunt Priscilla and told her you expect to be treated like an adult.  Tell her you're tired of always getting a plastic spork and nothing sharper than a banana.  Be assertive.  She will respect you for acting like a man.  And don't forget to ask nicely when you want her to cut up your meat.

As for Uncle Puget, you may never win him over.  How do you expect a 73-year-old with a plate in his head to understand what a kind and sensitive person you are?  He thinks being kind is when he finishes in the bathroom without using all the toilet paper.  Talking to him has always been a frustration for you, mostly because he keeps his hearing aid turned off.  Besides, all he ever wants to talk about is how French women have ruined the world with their hairy, smelly armpits. But that's who Uncle Puget is and he's proud of it.  So be proud of what you are and who you are.  Be yourself and stop worrying about it.  But keep asking yourself the tough questions.  Who am I?  Why am I here?  And why didn't I notice when somebody drank all the Grey Poupon?


N. R. Williams said...

Entertaining Dave. thanks.

Julie said...

OMG!!! Laughed my head off! We all have "relatives", but thank God, mine aren't that bad . . .