Your Personal Spirit

            You should start thinking about your spirit.  Will it be a mischievous spirit?  Will it come around after you’re dead and rearrange people’s drawers so they can’t find their glasses?  Will your spirit make the cat hiss dirty words and breathe fire when she’s waiting to be fed?  Will your spirit indiscriminately throw dessert?

            Or will yours be a different kind of spirit; the kind that protects kids from being run over by the school bus?  Will it move Mr. Spitts out of the way just before the stallion or the showgirl does a high kick?  Will your spirit be what keeps Mrs. Socialstress from accidentally putting lithium in the cake batter or asparagus berries in the punchbowl?

            Maybe your spirit could send messages from the dead to the living.  You could finally explain to your relatives why Uncle Soapy spends every New Year’s Day screaming about the evil ingredients in salad dressing.  You could be the one who tells party guests about all the wonders of the afterlife.  But be careful not to get too specific.  Saying things like, “When it’s her time to go, Aunt Gretchen won’t need a sweater”, regardless of how true it is, could still hurt her feelings, causing her to head-butt Uncle Soapy.                                    

More on Karma

If something bad happened to you yesterday it’s because you did something bad yourself.  If you can’t remember doing anything bad then it happened in a previous life, or a small part of your brain may have been removed when you weren’t paying attention.  In 1975 Vladimir Borshamoy wrote about a very interesting phenomenon concerning small parts of people’s brains being removed through their pants.  In the scientific world this phenomenon is known as cranial flatulence or, in layman’s terms, brain fart.  Typically, these occur while giving presentations to important clients or during political debates.

            On the other hand, if something good happened to you it is because you did something good and the universe has sent some goodness back.  If you can’t remember doing something good then it happened during a previous life or when you were removing part of someone’s brain through their pants.  Let’s say you are a really rotten guy, a child molester or a CEO who closed a factory so he could build it somewhere that people work for twelve cents an hour.  If good things keep happening to you over and over again, it’s because of all the good stuff you did when you were living in ancient Greece working in the livery stable with Constantine Papasopoulos.

            So, here’s the deal and it’s a pretty good deal for you.  If you want good things to happen, just do some good things.  You see, the more you give, the more you get.  Of course, it’s possible that you can do a million nice things and nothing good will happen to you until your next life.  But what have you got to lose?  Is it going to hurt you to be nice to Cousin Commando, even though he has made no secret of all the different ways he wants to kill you in your sleep?  Besides, wait until his next life when he’s an aardvark in Botswana being chased by a 600 pound lion or swallowed whole by a python.  Who will be smiling then?  Well, you better not be smiling about it.  If you do, the karma universe genie will smite you with something terrible like a huge boil on your face or an afternoon with a Scientologist.

            So, the point of all this is that if you can’t be bothered to do something nice for someone unless you get something in return, stop worrying. The universe will send it back to you.  That’s because the universe is always at your beck and call because you deserve it.

Karma

            Of course, there is good karma and bad karma.  There is also instant karma. Good karma is when you rescue a kitten and, later on, you are rescued from a burning car or a destructive relationship.  Bad karma is when you release a wolf to chase a kitten and, later on you die in a burning car or a destructive relationship.  Instant karma is when you insult Uncle Monroe then turn around only to see his rifle fall off the shelf, discharge, and blow your brain out.

            In dealings with karma, the universe is your friend.  When you put out good stuff, good stuff comes back to you.  When you put out bad vibes, badness follows you like toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe.  It’s simple.  Do good, get good back.  Do bad; get smacked in the head with a crowbar.  The universe is the world’s great scorekeeper.  It keeps track of all the stuff, good or bad, given off by you and everyone else.  It may send something back to you that day or it may send something back to you in a few years.  Mostly, it depends on postal rates. 

Discovering Your Spirituality

            After meditating you will be relaxed and feeling better.  But what does it have to do with your spirituality?  That’s easy.  What you are feeling is the process of being.  You’re not trying to do anything and you’re not trying to do nothing.  You’re not trying to sit and you’re not trying to sit up.  You’re not trying to throw and you’re not trying to throw up.  It’s impossible to do anything wrong.  Remember, only you can think the thoughts you are thinking.  And only you know the thoughts that you are thinking of thinking about.  You’re thinking about thinking and you’re thinking about why you are thinking about thinking.  These are your first steps toward realizing there’s a power greater than yourself; that and the bill collectors who won’t stop calling.

Life Lessons From Giorgio

                                                               

            Giorgio (not his real name) is happier than anyone I have ever met.  His story is one of courage, perseverance, and overcoming adversity.  Shortly after Giorgio was born he found himself wrapped in a plastic bag in a dumpster.  Because Giorgio was a baby, he cried.  If he had known another way to communicate, I’m sure he would have sent an email, a text message, or set off some explosives.  But crying was his alarm.  Gloria heard his cries, found him, and took him to a nearby fire station.  Because Giorgio was not ablaze, Gloria was told to “Take that screaming kid somewhere else!”                 

            So, Gloria took him back to the dumpster near her home, the cardboard box.  She took care of Giorgio, fed him, found clothes for him in other dumpsters, and raised him to be a healthy, caring, little boy.  Soon, Giorgio began wondering why none of his friends lived in cardboard boxes like his.  The other kids’ cardboard boxes were much nicer and some were even lined with butcher paper, rat fur, or underpants.  Gloria always did her best to explain but Giorgio understood she had nothing to give him except her love.                                 

            When Giorgio was eight-years-old, Gloria died from a rare toenail disease. Giorgio missed his mother deeply and sank into a dark, troubling depression.  He hated the world for taking Gloria away from him.  She was the reason he was alive, the reason he was a nice kid, the reason he had a pet cockroach.  Giorgio began drinking.  Day after day, glass after glass of chocolate milk drowned his pain until he went to sleep, each night, with a bellyache; a bellyache that was his heartache.       

            With only his pet cockroach Scrunchy to keep him company, Giorgio ran away. He found his way to Rico’s Boxing Gym in Baldspot, Wisconsin where he became the sparring partner for up and coming fighters.  As you can imagine, Giorgio, being only eight years old, took quite a beating every day.  Most of his baby teeth were knocked out and his nose was broken several times.  At the age of nine he won Baldspot’s “Ugliest Man Contest” and cherished his prize,  a lifetime supply of Oil of Olay.                                                                                               

            But, through it all, Giorgio continued to look on the bright side.  Today he is a grown man with a wife and kids who have dreams, aspirations, and broken noses of their own.  Is he happy because he’s had such a great life?  Absolutely not.  Is he happy because all the concussions have damaged his brain to the point where he thinks everything is funny?  Maybe.  But the real reason he is happy is because he made a decision to be happy, regardless of his circumstances.  Oh, how much we could all learn from Giorgio.                    

Eat Something Organic

            I know it costs more, but it’s worth it.  It tastes a lot better and it’s much less harmful to Mother Earth.  But why do we say Mother Earth?  Why not Father Earth, Grandma Earth, or Crazy Uncle Twisted Earth who lives in the root cellar because it's closer to Hell?  If his greatest desire is to sit a few steps up the staircase from eternal fire and damnation I suppose that’s his own business. But must he continually create Hell on Earth for those around him?  Next time you go down there, ask why he insists on chewing tobacco and spitting the juice on the wall.  And don’t buy his stupid story about creating an abstract expressionist painting of Custer’s Last Stand.  He knows full well Custer never wore a top hat and tails on the battlefield.